Rewiring the System

a date

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on July 14, 2008

it will never be a date.  the date that is offered is not a relationship with the trimmings of caring, deep souled communication and closeness but a date to taste his prowess in the hay.  time again and again… so people in groups or a person or two have told me that i seem so powerful and they are afraid that they might be overwhelmed by me.  i am annoying.  i am not welcome.  be marginalized and do not come back.  Over Whelm Over Power Over Load.  over all gone.   so i say …why would anyone want friends who are not equal? may west maybe west?  would i ever succeed on the east coast where the weather is a constant drain one way r the other

rather than ‘the’ question of why want me as a friend rather than a hole in the head or heart of hole in the wall rather than any of these or rather not. what is the opposite of condescending? now living with a quarter of my brain cut out completely out forever no returns of the surgically removed gray stuff.  better leaving it. rusty or removed what choice did i have?

wow i never knew, is said to me as though we all, each person as a we do not have something that diminishes our completeness. you look so much like me yet you are not like me.  how many ways am i not like you or you or you or YOU!

wow, they could not tell that i have, as they have, some where in the clogged machinery, a difference.  one so small, be it hair or gender of a whole deck of cards in the pile called health or wealth or the time to enjoy them.  on and on the list of differences  and no one cares about anything or anyone. the primary care is the butt if they are an ‘inny’ or ‘outy’ tummy button on the other side of the world.   why don’t you go off and sit a while until you or someone you care about calms down enough to just breath and not listen to the trembles that are shattering the globe.  and who cares that the dollar is in such a decline that there is danger of a huge crash.  lets wonder about how to manipulate by verbal control anyone along the way.  how many millions are going to lose their homes folding like a house of cards.  the lodging with all the contents plus sustainment to move an feel, talk and type.  going to walter’s sisters funeral this afternoon and the hour meditation before i arrived for the service with a sense of the infinite and the crazies here who are sending foul language and thoughts spiraling with anger and pain wished on others lives and my own.  this continues to smell like the particulate matter fluttering from the thousand or more fires burning just here and there in california.  Imagine the conflagrations in endless municipalities around this globe.  my heart breaks!

i am a mosaic of intellect and heart with an all over and over all delight in living.  aren’t you a many faceted being with strong and soft parts too?  why am i so different?  what am i doing here?

my temptation not to homogenize this castle i wear as ilsa’s one soul gives me, this one, then that one as a monumental head ache.  long ago some one in a string of some ones like an endless chain of pearls before swine, have told me to stop being friendly and talkative.  keep quiet.  people do not like this.  pat pat pat.  get a grip!  where do people learn these moves?

why am i still alive?

who just wants to be with me?  who will ever be close again.  how will i know? i am tormented at every turn.  i thought this is or was a place where i could congregate and just spin in the sunlight has turned on me.  too much to make me communicate and corroborate and confirm to the satisfaction with no joy with no soul with no fun.

i remember…. the long table with one person, a judge in children’s court, a friend of my mothers’ the judge was, who sat at the end of that long dark wooden polished surface for felons and briefs.  She, who held me in the palm of her hand. declared me legally incorrigible at eight years old because my mother never wanted a child..  never held me or cared about anyone but herself.  off i was sent to a string of foster homes  for a certified childhood from a painful number of places … never a hug never cuddles or new clothing or any caring never the sorts of contact which others consider what every child considers to be taken for granted.  interesting people come from fractured families.  perhaps i am simply interesting rather than damaged?

sample this!   blessing’s cloud coming and going and here and not here and hurt and no possibility of anger.

human i am human i remain wish i had friends who cared rather more than more of this.

through the tension i sing: so glad i get to read and study until this aspect passes.


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