Rewiring the System

rear ended car accident has me reeling

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on March 10, 2009

Sorry guys, the accident was February 5 and I am just now feeling the unbelievable pains everywhere.  I now know firsthand what Shock is in the medical lexicon. Very grim!  I have creaking bones and hip displacement as well as no use of left shoulder and mental dust sweeping away clarity.  How not to stir this is my big, question and just let it move on.  It is real pain though I am not holding on to it but by the end of the day, I am both physically and mentally drained.  

My small family chooses this time to stay away. They have not been here since the accident. I have not seen anyone who seemed to be able to help since the accident.  A lovely woman from the Quaker Meeting I attend came over and washed my dishes. This is a magic treat!  Thank her and shower her with my hearts gratitude!  It feels unbelievable to have a empty sink! I stand in the kitchen and am so amazed and glad.  One woman did ask me if I was losing weight !  What a funny email that was.  Several people who have been dear ones have told me I am a strong woman and I will take care of this myself.  I need human connectedness and caring just like everyone else.  This is more extreme than anything is in my dance of life. I am losing Hope!  

A virtual stranger I met when I gave a talk at the BIL conference, just after the accident, came over and gave me a massage, which was wonderful and very much a step forward into more clarity.  

Yet I seem to have made bad choices in friends who have totally abandoned me, totally!  In order to live, I need human contact.  How long can I sustain myself with no real love and affection?  Sure, I get up and talk with strangers. There is nothing but the surface contact with people who do not know me long enough or with enough loving attention.  What brings awareness of myself to others?  For instance, one woman wrote me in an email, stating that since I have no interest or liking of Christianity I would not understand whatever her  point, or some falderals gibberish! 

 Assumptions abound! When the world comes out of this, will I have eaten so much shyite that I actually have joined the worms under the grass.  I am exhausted both by the concussion, the whiplash, and general physical stuff that needs a doctor’s attention. I tried to make an appointment at the clinic where I have been getting palliative care for years and had to wait more than a month to be seen.  I will find a regular doctor by calling the hospital where I went to the Emergency room.  I need a recovery package but I think of all the people around the world who need a recovery package and feel like just one of the many zombies dusting the pathways of the living.

 I got a note earlier this evening, that a true friend just fell against a tree and crushed her face and eye socket! I will keep her in my prayers. She was here for me on the phone with real advice as how to navigate my current situation and now she is fallen!

I am asking for loving attention in every and any form you can share with me in my here and now.  I ask for loving attrention for all the many here and around the globe who are abandoned by their families and left to drift alone.  What are the broad parameters of possibilities?  Reach out and touch someone.  I continue to try to care for others and myself though I am diminished currently. This is a finite injury.

In 1991, I sat with 1500 lucky people at a two-week plus session with the Dalai Lama in New York City.  He talked about the western mind.  He had spent ten years thinking and studying about how we here in the west have turned out so differently than in his home country and other Asian societies. 

He said, and it is permanently seared in my heart and mind, that the western peoples of our world have never experienced Unconditional Love.  I have never experienced unconditional love so I feel the message internally.

Here, in Berkeley, I have to be a certain way to be cared for in any semblance of an communication. The east coast is really different.  People do not assume that you are going to use them beyond their abilities, to care and share. Whatever the reasoning is behind the omission of Loving attention it causes more pain.

A library case fell over and onto my head and shoulders in 2003. I had a fall at a rich man’s home in 2004 and lost my memory in a big way for months. All he thought about was that I got up right away so it could not be as I reported.  He and his wife actually told me that they thought I wanted to take them to the ‘cleaners’!  He teaches meditation too.  The center where he works have not looked or screened his heart and only see his surface.  I have no worry that in the flow of cause and effect the fluctuations will deliver the cure to his practice some time now or later.

I had a concussion in 2006 and now this concussion is making that pathway of disability deeper.  I am having real trouble crawling out. 

  I have to crawl into myself and figure this out! The intelligent people ask themselves what is going on and the less intelligent asks others what is going on!  I am trying to see that I have walked with the wrong staff along my path.  I can describe what I see but not change others just change myself.

People here are so self-centered, so judgmental, and so little understanding of themselves as the other in the mirror of self and other. We are, every one injured when we allow as written in Matthew 22, we let the least of us suffer.

I pulled myself together and went out to a center here in Berkeley where the yearly reading of the Life of Milarepa was being read aloud. I was granted an opportunity to read at the front of the room.  The woman sitting next to me, reading the larger portion of the text, actually noticed how much pain I was in. I had on a happy face and sat tall though my neck was in a brace. She looked at me with such a smile of deep human understanding.  She understood that my fingertips were icy cold she gave me her gloves.  The gloves are soft and brilliant purple and will keep my hope aflame that people can care for one another.  I had to go home early to fall into bed but I am so glad I went to the spiritual reading.

 I keep my eye on the prize of the real over the unreal.  Nevertheless, I need a loving hug too!  My injuries would make a very funny YouTube of me getting dressed in the morning!


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