Solitude

Being so very busy involved as so many are with minutia makes contact with oneself impossible.  This is the longing for Solitude.

In solitude, we get to untie those tethers, which cause us to be too, impressed with ourselves. The ropes, strings, strands and hairs that come from outside and are attached to a scoreboard where it is marked a plus or minus.  This external evaluation system measures our worth.

I am lost within the tumbling judgments of the grade givers. After so many years of living, I am waking up to this. I see the life draining soul loosing position I have allowed for myself. I am not mysel,f but a creation, pasted together from the outside in. As the truly spiritual say, “be not of this world”.  Because of how I have allowed others to tell me who I am, I have become ‘Of this World’.  Be in this world serving the common good and not of this material world.

I live in a world created by all the externals.  I live in what the world made me as this process made many of us. Others who do not actually know me but seem to judge my interest in them as a certain pigeonhole part of the human pie define me as an Extravert I am interested therefore get all information from the outside!  Put in my thumb and pull myself out, like the plum I truly am, rather than continue living in the childlike poems.

I am kind because some person says I helped them at a time gone on. I am his or her friend because someone said I am likeable. I am worthwhile because others say to another group of others that I am worthy.

Just a short time ago a person who was meeting me for the first time judged me unlikable.  It was really a revelation that if I do not meet expectations whether rational or not that person can bring my family along for the slide out and away. 

I am judged on the accomplishments done for a person with no interest in who I am and what is possible for me to be.   I seem to be permanently marginalized.  Will I allow my accomplishments, which are the result of my thought, feelings, words and actions to be controlled from the outside?  What are the criteria of my self-esteem?  How do I feel about this?  We must all ask ourselves these truly important human relationship questions.

Well, I feel that I continue to be the same loving and lovable Ilsa that I was before I was mistreated and misunderstood. I do not want to walk on my mental or spiritual tippy toes.  I do not want to ‘live up’ to the expectations, which are thrust on me from some ball of history that may not have a thing to do with me.  I expect that they, these judgers, have not been loved as a child, loved too much by externals or are so mentally pressured by the externals that no sane judgment can be made by their hearts and brains. 

I got a science report saying that the electrical magnetic radiance of the Heart has just been measured.  My heart has more dendrites pulsing with more intelligence than my brain! 

 I do not want to live up to expectations, which are created by the perceptions of what we have done in another time and place.  It is the Last Thing We Did idea that robs me, and each one of us of our integrity. These chains hold us with their heavyness, to a path of self-destruction. How can an artist live chained to the dark force of external image? Breathe in solicitude and exhale soot and judgments. Be an artist with your life!  Breathing is that space between the spiritual and material.