Rewiring the System

Taken For Granted

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on April 11, 2010
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Will People only treat you the way you let Them treat you? What do you want to accept? How much and from Whom? How to Communicate without Creating controversy?
Yesterday I traveled on the Bay Area Rapid Transit, BART to the S.F. Giants baseball game with the Atlanta Braves. The next stop, a nice man sat next to me. He was having trouble keeping his fedora on his head. He looked over toward me and said, ‘my head is between two hat sizes, it is either too big or too small. I chose this one but it flies around.’ Humm I said … Perhaps you can grab the hat on both sides just above your ears and just pull it down? He did that but did not feel comfortable. It was an interesting conversation so I asked him why he did not have decoration in the head band, (since in my way of thinking if the hat had a special twig or feather he would stand with his head centered on his shoulders and the chances of his hat moving would be lessened). I did not talk posture with a complete stranger.. but wished him well.
I thought, since he seems so opened and intelligent I would pose a question mano mano. What does he say or how does he act and feel, as a real man, about both being taken for granted or taking a person for granted.
He amazed me! I do not know his name and have no idea or way of reconnecting. This was a chance moment, which became a very deep conversation about being human in the flow of human growth.
I always have something to learn from every person I meet. This was an extraordinary exchange.
He started by saying that any conversation about feelings should always be done face to face. I should have a regular conversation and if and when the right opening for sharing my feelings happened than I could in a non-hurtful or arrogant way express myself.
This was the universe wishing me well using this man’s voice to show me the next step in my social growth. He offered both a wishbone and a process to change the way I allow people in my life to treat me.
I have been surrounded, in my past, by people who took me for granted. That when they wanted my attention, unannounced or on their schedule, I would always be available. I tend to look forward to a call and when none comes with the morning sunshine, I feel stress! I am sure after the conversation with the well dressed man on the BART that I am not the only person, both man and woman, who suffers being taken for granted. The last man in my life assumed that he just had to show up and I was ready to do his bidding. No call to suggest a meeting or ask to meet ever happened in the five years we ‘dated. I seemed to know that this friendship would not have the legs for a supportive relationship. I cannot imagine, from this perspective of looking back at the connection, that he really liked me very much. Would a man who really wants a woman behave in this way? Or is there something I did to give him the idea that he could behave as he did.
I am thinking about the last great relationship of my life. I feel I am a sort of woman who likes to have a man in my life in my circles to share the rich fabric of life and enjoy being truly human in paradise. I live on a blue pearl globe in the great indigo infinite possibility and marvel at the beauty in my surroundings. Every event is an opportunity for bringing peace and beauty in play. I have been thinking for some years how wonderful my life would be with a like-minded companion who is more than a friend.
My natural inclination is to open my heart fully to people and listen as well as share my thoughts and feelings. Now I struggle to find a way to make my needs known by asking for what I want in the relationship without shutting down the giving space he will have for the others natural inclinations. I need to find a way so that there is a space i create to fill for him to flow with my desires.
For an example, which is one of the thoughts the stranger on the transport suggested, was asking for communication and contact that fits with my schedule. He said,’ Men at a certain point say to themselves,’ well she is here and interested, I do not have to work on her attentions. I can direct my time and attention to this or that or another person.’ Wow did this open my eyes! It is hurtful to think that when a guy knows you like him he stops working on keeping your attentions! What sort of barrier to complete human surrender is this brain chemistry and how do I play in this minefield?
The last two important long-term relationships caused me real physical reactions to the fact that I was taken for granted. I guess this is something I have to learn. But what is it that I really have to change? Am I going to have to go thru life playing this game in the dance of the genders? Is being myself with all the laughter and passion for life causing others to imagine that I do not need the same great communication I give?
So I sit and allow the natural fire in my heart to heat up to a point where the dead wood decomposes and the cinders are swept away by the natural grace in the immortal words: Love One Another.


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