Rewiring the System

Tired of Being Conscious

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on May 16, 2010
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Though Conscious I am feeling abandoned emotionally.The spark of life is a consciousness. Your materialistic machinations about mind and memory miss the inward glow. One teacher refereed to this understanding as explaining sunlight to someone who has lived his or her whole life in the basement. Another friend on the path suggested that the image of Jacobs Ladder in the bible was an actual truth with different experiences at each rung. Both suggest the same image of the Sunrise drink from the 1970’s where 16 different liqueurs were poured in such a way that they formed stripes and did not mix easily. Plasma physics works the gray and white matter in such a way to create inward focus that heats the mental system, and since so many have fear of falling off the academic tenured respectability, the plasma of the one fearless thinkers heart takes a trip out from the consensual habits. Time keeps us from going crazy that we are particles forming and reforming at the whim of free electrons and possibly just the infinity of change. Don’t worry be happy comes to my mind! Giggle..
Though I have to deal with my physical body with respect and care since it is the form that allows us each to explore the formless.
I am feeling the effects of my mortality as I try and figure out what to do about my small breast cancer. I never mitigate that the table is real and rest is paramount.
It seems that today I am feeling so sad and tired and the tiredness creates the sadness and the cycle of abandonment perceptions feed on creating the aspect of allowing people to treat me in ways that serve only the other person. It is behaving badly toward me that turns my insides and creates the conditions for bad vibes to invade my body. I am sick, and sick and tired of being sick. However, I did allow this dance, I will say that I want this to stop. In spiritual support of choosing LIFE, I got a note today from a wonderful person far away physically yet as close as these typing keys. He sent me pages of his writing. Most of which is about the physics of consciousness which is something I have been thinking about for some time and more so in the past two weeks. I include some of his most touching poems:
Cees van der Velde
‘Without reason’

My love, do not ask me for which reason
this passion is torturing me.
A passion that is true
doesn’t have a reason,
nor can it be explained.
Just like disgust or happiness,
that may follow anytime.

Why I love you, I do not know;
There was nothing I did, to long for you ..
If love would leave me,
what guilt would be mine,
to have wanted you, this badly.

Love doesn’t follow orders from anyone,
She appears by surprise.
The only thing I know is,
when seeing you,
and looking you in the eyes,
makes me a helpless prey.

In this world no one knows
of love, her true nature.
Nobody knows where fate resides,
nor can foresee a bad punishment.
And love, when it comes,
We do not know, just the same,
what fate it is, she brings with her.

Born again

Should I die of missing you;
then still, my heart would beat.
And perhaps, I would turn to life again;
in the warmth – of your arms.

I was tired of looking for you;
and not seeing you appear.
It wouldn’t be to admire,
when I would die of missing you.

But if, after my death, you would yet return;
and looking for my remains;
Then, somewhere, cold and still,
still my heart beats silently.

If you would then, with your hands,
would warm my heart again;
then – in just one kiss you gave me;
perhaps I would return to life again.

And my heart being warmed again,
reborn out of love;
then I will live forever,
in the warmth – of your arms
John Popper – He makes me cry – I love him- (and his band)
This song
And one more that will listen to next
Make me cry
I need to get rid of all these tears so I can answer the phone and go shopping
Sleeping didn’t help
I am still sad…..I need a distraction….but I’m not really that type of girl any more.

Blues Traveler
Just wait

If ever you are feeling like you’re tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you were alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy
And if you think I don’t love you well then you’re just wrong
In time you might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And you appetite for pain might all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to you face
There’s no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come


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