Rewiring the System


Day 11: 8 Zaps


I am so tired I do not know how many of the details of this day will make it on the screen.
Being shot out of bed with grueling pain (from one place just above the incision where the one lymph node was removed) was a new event. This sort of rude awakening never occurred in my life. Shocking violent pain has not been a routine rousing. I know that everything is uncertain and pain is possible at any point. Feel! I feel the light of the sun on my skin like a caress. I feel the rays angling toward my left breast.

The doctor and nurse keep telling me that I do not feel the radiation. Negating my touchiness is another pain. It is an emotional pain. They tell me it is all in my mind. The fact that I describe in detail the symptoms The reply is you are having these to early! Today I saw the nurse who rather than talk with me handed a pamphlet and a sheet of ‘exercises’. I am not feeling well enough to read it and understand what to do. I am not going to accept this/that.

Today, I feel more alone than being alone actually. I came home from the hospital drained and abraded. The people in my life are not caring and kind. I am broken hearted. I have to see the gold in the crisis. I need to realize that I am not the problem. I am not the reason. It is ambient offensiveness that is lightening fast organized inside the mental equipment delivered by the twin tongues of fire. Ouch!

That was my morning which did not spill over into the afternoon /evening. I drove from all the madness and confusion directly to the Y. This is where I walk in the water. It is always ready for me. It is clean and safe. Today I waled and did light breast stroke for an hour. The cool water took the burn out of my breast. The water reduces the sudden contamination from the treatment throughout my body.

I did some stretching in the hot tub. I will not go into the hot tub again for some time. It seemed that there are members who want to be more than one person. It is a long story about insecurity that parades as control of others. The most amazing thing that this crazy won=man who I never saw before is that she told the desk that I was not respectful of disabled people. She made up some persona that did not include who I am. It seems that most people are only able to see one side of a conversation. Disagreeing is not treated with respect and openness but with malice and agitation. I am waiting for friends who are opened and warm and like to share different points of view.

For some reason, my talking to people is not a good thing. It backfired three times today. I am glad for a few days of not going to the hospital.
The reality is that I am not in a prison. Life is built on the past actions so I accept whatever lessons appearing for my learning. I am just so tired! I am told to listen to my body and rest rest rest…

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