Rewiring the System

National Holiday #14

No travels into the city today. I opened my eyes to the loving attention of my ‘class circle’ called to check In on me. The call made me feel fantastic! Before we hung up she noticed I let out a sigh of relief. ‘Wow’, she said, ‘that was a good sigh!’ I thought about her comment and know it was a sigh of relief. It is a relief to be cared about. I need checking in on since I ‘find myself’, find where and what I am, in talking to another person.

The new communication shift toward texting leaves out the quality of emotion that is evident in actual voice to voice. I love to Listen to people talk. Often in text people kick others when they are vulnerable or low or in pain. There is a lot of misunderstanding that would never happen in conversation.

There is one person I really want to talk with. It tears at me that this is not likely to happen and I can not know why. It is one thing to think about talking and another to actually do it. Would I want to be given a choice? I have such a little amount of energy. Is typing less of a drain than talking. I think talking is energizing in a way that typing never can. I go in waves of being really tired and droopy eyed to joyful smiling. Sleep calls me into its soft folds suddenly, then I must continue this writing more than anything.

It is not what I do but how I do it. How do I ask for what I want so that I get the results that I really truly in my heart want. Can you help me understand how you manage this?

Relationships, I do not have a relationship. I do not have supportive friendships or a network of people who will turn up. People who have ethical and moral substance coupled with a really friendly warm heart. It is not an intellectual puzzel. It is the few days off from the xrays that has stirred up the hidden covered carefully soft longings. I want to be happy. I try to be nice and care about people. It does not come back to me. I have no relationships because I have chosen people who have no heart. More than a certain carelessness they have no ability to see their own feelings and motivations sufficiently to use that quality to care for someone else. How do I manage to attract people with no self, no space for self and more than that no ability at introspection before action. I have a bad sense about people.

I am tired and the quality of dullness gives rise to the pieces of my broken heart. I have been told that a broken heart is an opening for more more interesting possibilities but the tears still hurt and the rivers of blood stains all the places I move and all the surroundings. I need to heal my heart.
Today my friend came to pick me up but she had arranged to have another woman come along with us for the film. The second woman as soon as she saw me started to berate me and generally speak to me with an intensity that did not take into consideration anyone other than herself. Being near her made me shake. She did nothing but reprimand me for misaims and mists. There was no conversation that passed between us. When I tried to say a word about everything working out, I was shouted out and interrupted. Never again will I allow myself to be in the company of people who do not treat me with the respect I treat them. I am a woman of peace.

It is time that the gracious thoughts seep deep into my heart and advance outward into emotions and actions.

I went to the movies to see the french thriller Mesrine: Killer Instinct – Rated R – 1 hr. 53 min. : 1:40 and Mesrine: Public Enemy #1: 4:10
It was perfect in more than one way. First it was in French so the story and the human character development was not over tidied and cleansed of warts and flaws. Second the nudity was tasteful and appropriate showing both genders skin and such. Thirdly, the films are fearlessly energetic. There are lots of chases that fit naturally into the story and more than enough old shoot em’ up’s that thrill and delight adventure seekers.

The films allowed me to rest in comfortable reclining chairs at the Independent film house Shattuck. I have a need to lay around and doo nothing on doctors orders. Since I have never learned how to ‘rest’ going to the movies is a right move for this intersection between diagnosis and the end of treatment.

There is a certain passion that verges on the titillation anger that reaches out to touch in un-public places from the French Action Films

I remember driving the hills of Valley Forge several years ago. It was when I had the Big Chrysler in Elephant Gray. I would drive around with the music blasting against the concave earth resounding and filling my world with Heavy Metal Music. “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” is a song by the American alternative rock band The Smashing Pumpkins. It was the lead single from the band’s 1995 double album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. The song won the 1997 Grammy Award for Best Hard Rock Performance. This song was the band’s first Top 40 U.S. hit, peaking at number 22 on the Billboard Hot 100. It also spent six weeks at number 2 on the Modern Rock Tracks chart, and peaked at number 4 on the Album Rock Tracks chart. The song was named the 91st best hard rock song of all time by VH1. The song is sometimes referred to as simply “Rat in a Cage” as the actual title does not appear anywhere in the song. I feel like a rat in a cage in my life more often than is logical. I feel that this aspect is shared by many people both those with cancer and illnesses and so many who have no current physical difficulties.

Rage! It comes and retreats in undulating waves of inner lava creating steam and effluent in the three dimensions. I have rage with my perceptions of the truth of my human condition. It is true that most people are asleep at the wheel in there own lives and as such are rats in a cage.

Perhaps, you see me, as you read this, as separate but I am just one of many woman with breast cancer. I meditate and strive to help people but the truth shines through, that I am alone.

People are nice, so many nice people reach out via the internet, but they are physically so far away. People write me emails and send me messages in social media venues but they are virtual friends. My one living blood family member has become so self involved that she has not made any contact the whole weekend. Living relatives are relative and retaliative to the people, places and things in proximity. It might be a wish to think of another, but the pull of ‘my, me, me, mine’ magnet.

I feel nervous about the week ahead with all the radiation appointments lined up. I will drive myself back and forth the coming week. This frightens me because after the treatments I feel so drained. I am going to have to figure out just how fast to leave the hospital before the drain sets over my mind and body. I have to reach out to cancer support groups to figure out the future weeks.

I know I am doing this so I will be really healthy and good for the rest of my life.


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