Rewiring the System


15, I Miss Everything Else

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 16, 2010
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I have a problem in my heart. My mind is cluttered by all the unconnected strings of abandonment and broken trust. The strands flutter and snap as though they are electrified by the currents once flowing from one heart to another.

I will never truly feel that I am there in the heart of that other person or the other persons. I can’t understand why this or those people say one thing and just do not do it. Nothing of the vibrancy of their words ever makes a difference other than the sonic cut out to space. In this case space is empty.

Talking about being lonely is completely different than being alone. I am alone. I am not lonely.

I get up and go sit in meditation. This morning I get up early enough to sit for 35 or 40 minutes. I am in the Peace Through Beauty space. Meditation gives me the chance to be with my real self.

I have my deep understanding of the real flow of life from the formless into the form and spinning out of the creative force. How can a human being be lonely in the greater force of Nature. My Mother Nature, the Mother of everything known to my human mind?.

Not having any people around when I reach out and ask for help, is alone. No people here to talk with or hold a hand. I am ready to allow help to reach and lift me. I simply do not understand how I could have been ‘there’ for people and not have there here in return.

I feel as though people have scattered the way New York cockroaches run in every direction when a light is turned on. Hit the light switch to wake up to my real every day life. I am alone here in my process. I do not know if I am able to continue all of this so very much as a single human with out the caring of a circle or family.

It is amazing to have resistance to go to the radiation. I feel like doing all sorts of things when I should be out the door and on my way to the hospital. Today was very interesting in that the feeling of resistance was clear to the extent that I could label it as what it was.

I know that going to the treatments is very important to ‘live long and prosper’ with no return of the abhorrent cells.

I am committed to getting through this process but I am deeply shaken that I am doing it alone. It became very clear on Monday when so much fear and strife in the emotions of a person who was going to drive me came barreling out of the mouth in a 360 surround sound. I do not know if there is any bridge that can be made?

Today I got a lovely note from a long time friend who is dealing with her fathers end of life. She and her father were and are very close. That is such a major life situation I was touched that she took time to write to me. I have something to look forward to at the end of my compromised situation. She will make time for us to get together. That is so wonderful. I am glad to have something nice to look forward to after all the radiation and all the weariness.

There is another thing I have to look forward to at a closer time to the here and now. It is working on my pamphlet and book with a lovely very compassionate smart friend. I do not know what I would do with out this friend. She is often the person who is here to hold my body and emotions together. I doubt that she realizes how important and fun she is for me.

I have two others, who I see infrequently, who are a great help in specific various ways that do not include emotional closeness. It is the the friendliness but not closeness.

One real need is face-time to drive me to and from the hospital. Not the low watts now lighting my path but real commitment to supporting me in traveling from my home to my hospital.

Today I got to the Hospital about 10 or 15 minutes late. It is the digging slid of my heals of resistance that made me arrive slightly late. I feel the emotions holding me back from being on time. It is a sort of disrespect of self.

Is it because people just do not like me? I know that there are people that in a touch or a Blink information passes from the face and the space into my entire nervous system. I hope I find a way to extend my natural graciousness to attract those people who will be my new friend family.

Ok, so, one, today there was the table, where I have my arms akimbo, where I reach for the future. Then two, the hour plus going over some paperwork that I could not do under my current dreary mental and physical state even start let alone complete myself. She is the most magnificent social worker I have ever met. She is kind and sweet and so very helpful. I am very hard on myself since I have been alone for so long I depend on doing everything myself. (I am ready to ask for and allow help.) She is the connection to the wigs and make overs and more. Today, three, i get to have a bite to eat. Then four, I had an hour of string face hair pulling and eyebrow make over as a guest of the Friend to Friend Cancer Resource Center.

It really is true that to get over the cancer and thrive, it takes more than the surgery and various treatments. It take feeling good while you are feeling awful. The whole picture includes the surface as well as the insides. I am learning self care not by talking about it, but by being gifted care, at such a high level, that I am transformed. I feel the smile when ever I pass a mirror since I have been shown how to look good.

This smile gives me a boost and makes dragging my tired body back for more hospital time. I am more than half way through the process. I am being cooked by the radiation. The effects are undeniable. I arrived at 12:35 or 12:40 and left the building at 5:15. In an hour give or take a few minutes I arrive at the Pool. What a long day!

The redness and irration on my left breast is visible and visceral.

I drove right to the Y where I spent the next 50 minutes walking slowly in the cool water. With my knees bent doing a Rudolph Steiner rhythmical walk where the heal of the right foot touches a shoulder length ahead as the right heal rises. One foot down and the other up with the calfs and ankles getting a good stretch but the knees are not stressed. My knee is going to get a look over next week. My body has one thing after another. My shoulders and breasts under the surface line getting the burning dissipated into the surrounding azure wetness.

The day before my surgery I fell UP some stairs and injured my knee and broke my right middle finger! I did not want to interfere with the scheduling of the breast surgery even though I was and am physically injured.

The Pool is a wonderful healing place. I had two things to do other than the self care in the pool. I could have gone to the The Long Now Foundation. It was a project of computer pioneer Daniel Hillis and Whole Earth founder Stewart Brand to develop a 10000 year clock. Long Now was established in 1996. It is a private organization that seeks to become the seed of a very long-term cultural institution. It aims to provide a counterpoint to what it views as today’s “faster/cheaper” mindset and to promote “slower/better” thinking. The Long Now Foundation hopes to “creatively foster responsibility” in the framework of the next 10,000 years, and so uses 5-digit dates to address the Year 10,000 problem (e.g. by writing 02010 rather than 2010). I wanted so much to listen and visit with members of the Bucky Fuller Foundation here at this great institution.

The Seminars About Long-term Thinking are a series of monthly lectures in San Francisco, CA, presented by the Foundation available as podcasts. They are intended to “nudge civilization toward making long-term thinking automatic and common.” Topics have included preserving environmental resources, the deep past and deep future of the sciences and the arts, the extension of the human lifespan, the likelihood of an asteroid strike in the future, SETI, and the nature of time.

I just did not have the energy to be with many new people.

I get home and open a packaged meal and take a ‘nasid’ and do this scribble. Now I must wash and brush and put myself to bed.

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