Rewiring the System


16 Thursday in the Fog

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 17, 2010
Tags: , , , , ,

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just escape? I do not mean to get out of the full stream of life. I mean I want to get out from under the self centered ‘encouragement’ from so many well meaning sorts of people who manage to make me feel more alone.

As an animal I need the comfort of the flock rubbing against my being. The meeting places, the contact points where friction sparks my animal nature in thought, emotion and touch and all my senses. Most important in these for me right now is touch, which bolsters my being as a corporation of cells in the shoals where water meets sand or clay. I am the clay formed in my mortal shape to function as a woman. How can anything be better or more important than human touch?

I start the day early with a smile. I have a small drink, I make my coffee the night before, light a stick of incense and get into my meditation chair to sit and quietly look at the intersection of the here and now. Where the forces of thought that form form again and again. I sit and in my heart ask to sit in the lap of Mother Nature. I go where she sits in the infinite darkness. I am where the question of what is the meaning or beginning of existence is audable.

Rather than withdraw I want to reach out to the returned reaching hands held out to be met, to touch. I dream of this touching tenderness at the other end of this transformation. There is a power inside me and I choose to walk in concert with myself toward this energy.

Today I decide to go directly to the radiation treatment rather than stop at the Pharmacy to drop of my three day since prescribed prescriptions. I choose not to stop at the drug store but instead deliver my body to the appointment. Today I weigh the possibility of being a little late to the table or get there spot on time. I feel the imperative to go right to the Hospital.

When I arrive on time I am told there is a computer glitch and the table moved by a compuer will not be ready for at least a half hour. This continuing computer and electrical problem may be connected to the terrible robbery two weeks ago of the copper electrical wiring from under the Hospital! Who woud steal copper wire from a Hospital?

It would have been exactly the amount of time I would have been late. So tomorrow I will stop at the dispensary before the bridge to The City.

At the Hospital, I ask if there is anything I can be told about what the professionals know about what I can expect as the process continues. At every turn I reach a wall. There seems to be no realization that information disperses fear and quiets down the landscape of loneliness. I write a note to the best doctor about my wondering what to expect but a member of her entourage calls my mobile to tell me not ever to write a note again. I should call and ask a nurse. One doctor after another says as little as one could imagine. Is what I am asking cosmic? On the way to OZ I click my heels together three times!

I feel like a lot of my energy is wasted in conversations with professionals who treat me to a du-loop as In algebraic geometry, lemniscate refers to any of several figure-eight or ∞ shaped curves, including the Lemniscate of Bernoulli and Lemniscate of Gerono, squeezed or stretched. The most general visual form for this curve is seen as a toric section of a double torus. I am a figure eight behind the eight ball. One of the professionals at the radiation tells me that perhaps because I have unusually large breasts I am suffering more. I hear that there is another woman with larger breasts who had a terrible time with radiation treatments. To me that means they all know more about what is happening than they are willing to say.

My breast is flaming magenta. Sheep ‘Peeple’ who are afraid I might sue some one rue any conversation. It is ridiculous.

So my day is ‘off’ kilter and akimbo as my treatment is completed more than an hour later than scheduled. I have my lunch at 2. I really get hungry since breakfast is just after 9. After lunch in the hospital cafe, {picture posted on facebook home page}, I spend a lot of time in digital hell, as I try and figure out how to get my lap top connected to the internet using the hospital open wifi. I use Skype for the call and to that end I lugged my computer with me to the radiation appointment. I am going to participate in a conference call that usually happens on Thursdays. The call overlaps the support group. I have participated in about 4/5ths of the call when the support group starts to assemble.

This day I intend to participate in my first ever breast cancer support group. I need to meet people. I need to listen to survivors experiences. I need to find my way with understanding people who are going through or have survived this and an array of experiences. One woman got to cry about her inability to cry. I got to say out loud that I am angry that I am so alone! I am angry that the doctors will not tell me what is going on in side MY Body! Another about her treatments and ongoing enema and the sleeve she has to wear !

The word today is surprising. It is that Buddhists attend support groups on Thursdays. We, in attendance were/are all practicing Buddhists. No linages mentioned and none needed since all rivers of Buddhism start as snow on the top of one mountain. All Buddhism started with Buddha. It was interesting to have a group discussion that did not marginalize our human foibles and suffering. We all have the same basic goodness. We have worked on the side of life that cannot be crushed by difficulties since all of this is our lives! There is the truth about our human life that is important to actualize. It is the refining of thought. We are here to understand the power of though and use this tool to make heaven here on earth.

It has been said before by many people who have created a sort of chiche about thought creating our lives and world. As a man think-ith so he be-ith !! Grin…

How did I get cancer? Is it an accumulation of my thoughts and actions. I mean my behavior really was lacking self care for one thing and that includes thinking less of myself than is true. I have heard that low self esteem is as selfish as egotistic primacy.

‎”So I don’t think, honestly, we’re an animal that was built to be happy; we are an animal that was built to reproduce. I think the happiness we find, we make. And I think, however, we can make good relationships with each other.”
~ Helen Fisher

Tomorrow is the last day of this week!

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