Rewiring the System


17 Trust Me

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 18, 2010
Tags: , , , ,

What is it? I feel that question about what is life and what is going on here in September 2010. What is the chemical compositions coursing around in my nervous system. The nervous soup is breaking my ability to trust the people who have said yes but do not show up!

I find trust illusory, like hope, is part of the phantasmic world. I no longer want to daydream friends.

Before I was called into the treatment I went to the Nurses station to ask for 2 more floppy jellylike sheets of heat removing pads to put on my breast after the zaps. While I waited for the nurse to return with the ‘jelly like stuff’, a woman in a gurney reached out to me, extending her hand and flashing me a big smile. She wanted to talk about her bladder cancer. She said it was about time more woman knew about the cancer that has her in such pain. Her son was at her side and looked up at me in surprise. Why was his mother talking to me with such trust?

Before I arrived in the hall she had been moaning in pain and struggling to roll on her side in order to take some medication that the nurse had given her. She could tell something about me, that I would bring a fresh conversation into her dreary same old same old. The staff looked at me in surprise and I just did not know what to say. I blushed and was filled with gratitude that in some small way my passing her gurney offered her a few moments of release.

After she told me the type of cancer she has I mentioned an article in a recent Vogue magazine about one of the Rolling Stones, Keith Richard’s wife’s bought with the Blatter cancer.

The woman in the hall today held on to my hand with such grace and genuine warmth. This is a moment I will cherish for a long time.

‘How did I get such a reaction from a stranger’, asked the radiation technician, as we walked to the computer where I must say certain things to assure the staff that they have the correct records up on the screen that will generate the assigned amount of radiation to the prescribed area.

Today I see that each of us can lift one another with a small amount of listening and loving in the simplicity of the moment. Each little spark of kindness we offer from our heart to another who might be feeling less energy works to spread peace. I am not doing well but I am not on a gurney. I can offer a smile and a shot of encouragement to her as she waits for her treatment.

I might have a real need for support, but I have a soft smile and a warm hand of comfort to offer.

At last I really reached into my mind and heart with the energy to allow people to come close. I need friends here in my new home. Now that I really need a helping hand to reach and lift me as I go through energy debilitating treatments I must find loving magnetism.

Today, Friday, a friend arrived at my building to take me out to breakfast and the pharmacy errand before taking me to the City and my radiation appointment. The comfort of waiting in the lobby and driving me home was sublime support. I leaned back in the passenger side of the vehicle and just relaxed. I did not have to be attentive to the flow of traffic or be careful about bicycles or other things happening on the road. I could look out the window or best ever, I could just close my eyes and rest my body and mind.

Last night, I do not remember exactly what triggered my Stress switch to flick full on, but boy am I feeling the pressure.
My limbic-hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis stuff of the stress response. Whenever I experience some personal stress whether an internal or external stressor I have emotional reaction and as I write I cant put my finger exactly what it was that caused me to be unable to get to sleep.

My stress start is often unconscious. Today I find references to my inquiry in a paper: Stress and Cortisol: The Plague of the 21st Century, written by James South, M.A.
I know rom my past work as a journalist that my internal chemical reaction starts in my limbic system of my brain that triggers my hypothalamus to secrete CRH (corticotropin-releasing hormone). The CRH then triggers the pituitary gland to secrete ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone), which activates the adrenal glands to produce and release cortisol into the bloodstream.

Here comes the cortisol coursing around in my system. It makes me feel as though I have lost my skin. I feel raw and vulnerable. I hear this story from every woman I have met, since my story began some unrecorded day at the end of July this year, describe the shivering sensations of living without the natural protection of a personal skin.

This is my internal stress, no skin and cooking internal chemicals bubbling from radio active intrusion. Right now my stress manifests as lack of self care and that inner restlessness which keeps me from turning off the lights and closing my eyes. Perhaps these hormone stressers participated in allowing the cancer cells to form and grow.

This stress is an experience as old as humanity. I am still in an excited state of shock that I got cancer. The doctors say it might be a year before I recover from the original conversation about having 4 kinds of cancer. Though small one of the four varieties is the invasive sort. Because of this fact I am undergoing the 25 radiation treatments. I am so tired …..

I am so tired that driving back and forth to the hospital is very hard. It is an almost impossible task with what I feel is a Herculean effort. I have risen to this day after day. I wrote about my deep feeling of being alone. I realize that change takes time and I have so much on my plate that focusing on friendships, in fact just thinking about making friends seems undoable.

What a surprise to have a person offer to take me to the Hospital today and again next friday. I have the hardest day, the end of the week transportation puzzle lifted from my shoulders.

Today an old acquaintance, from my time of being ostracized from a group of spiritual seekers, arrived to take me out for a flick and a drink. He has promised to take me to my long day Monday of Orthopedic and Atomic appointments. I am feel the most fortunate quality of heart from the two people who have steeped up.

Wednesday one of the receptionists asked me where my driver was as I waited in the anti room for my session. I said I drove myself and she replied that my driving myself waswrong. What can I do about this? In all trust there is the possibility of betrayal. I know that I must be at and take the risk because with out trust there is not possibility of friendship.

I am grateful to the two persons who have reached out to me with the offer of transportation. It lifts my heart and eases the levels of knee jerk cortisol pumping in my system. Why did I feel we could have a conversation?

My day was so much nicer today than any other day without friends. I do hope that I can build new relations that support me in my valley times and who I can lift from the common problems we all share in our humanity.

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