Rewiring the System

Sunday: I Need A Coping Mechanism

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 20, 2010
Tags: , , , ,

A Coping Mechanism or How do I get out of this?
There is not a trip to the hospital on the weekends. What a relief. I really need time to myself but I do not get real alone time. I am not away from my ambient emotions or ‘things’ I actually have to do.

From picking out what to wear to putting cloths and papers away and even taking a spoon from the bedroom to the kitchen sink, they all involve thinking and moving. I hear in my mind the reverberating request to just stop and rest. I can not seem to find an end to taking care of the tiny details of the most basic living.

You cannot know what a blessing any note is right now. I have one real need and perhaps a little babying. The nurse said I am at a state of being in radiation where I need to give 10% of myself needing 90% from friends. The problem is that I do not have the sort of friends who gives a rats bottom about me.

What a rude awakening. I can’t be hard on myself now because I am so very weary and unable to move around or think clearly. But I have to figure out where to go, some time in the near future, in order to reach out to meet and make real friends. I am deeply grateful for any contact you might offer.

My main need is transportation from my apartment to hospital, to please wait for me then drive me home.

I would like someone to help me with my piles of papers and ‘stuff’ that seems to accumulate. I just need some companionship to sort successfully. Things have piled up creating confusion in my environment, which is replicating in a mirror my mixed up mind. I do not mean any sort of cleaning. I have some grains, some new to me grain that I have yet to be cooked and things I bought because the dr said I should eat but I just do not have the energy to stand at the stove.

That is really all I need, but the biggest need is the gift of time. How did I manage not be attractive to warm hearted intelligent people interested in a wide variety of both thoughts and things? Or how did my social inequities keep me from the ability to know where to go to meet new people?

I do not feel well enough this day or week or weeks, now to do much reaching out other than this scribbling. I am home in bed watching television. I am sure that rest makes me feel like I am going to have a future where I will be myself in some time in the future… I have my life to live now that the cancer was surgically removed. The radiation and life style changes will make the chance of its returning very minimal.I hope I can get over my addiction to food that is not good for me as well the foods creating an internal chemistry that breads illness. Thank you for your effort to read my sentences. I attended two talks by survivors of breast cancer and they had the same physical reactions to the treatments and the same need craving for human contact. One woman told the same sounding story that the fact that she was so ill made her friends not want to be around her. I had no idea there is a knee jerk reaction to having cancer. It is a refrain form the soul song …’when will I see you again, when will our hearts be together?’


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