Rewiring the System

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Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 24, 2010
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Today I got a ride to the Hospital. Getting a ride is wonderful. Having driven myself more often than getting a ride I was surprised just how much I needed NOT to drive. I really do not have much energy. Everyone who is a breast cancer survivor knows the deep tired feeling. I have trouble being aware of all the balls in action on the road and it all takes energy.

I just sat back in the car and feel my self in the seat. I am breathing a little more often than when I was driving. The Heat in my breast is sending lymph fluids around my body. My left arm and fingers are so swollen that I cannot wear my ring! I have fluids in my thighs all the way down to my toes. I find out weeks after the surgery that these symptoms are a known effect of the sort of surgery I am so many woman have every day. There must be some things to lessen the difficulties? Why was I not told what to do about this

I am physically and energetically in an amazing combination of, unique to radiation, sorts of exotic sensations and feelings. It is a different kind of pain than I have ever experienced. I am dreary and weary in a sort of touchy painful on the surface tension. This is coursing throughout my nervous system highway. I feel really burning fire in certain places around the radiation area. The incisions to remove the cancer and the one lymph node are enflamed and burned. The area hurts like a dumb touch on a hot oven, ouch burn. The area under my breast is less painful because that skin is bandaged and covered with a pad of foamy burn covering softness. The underside of my breast has burned so much that the skin pealed and the rawness is a function of growing new skin. This pain is a sign that one area is healing. Under my arm is still being burned and has not reached the total bubbling away of skin and flesh that will undoubtedly happen in the next few days.

People wonder how come I manage to smile and be cheerful as I spend my days at UCSF. I consider this a group cheerfulness growing on the shoulders of so many courageous woman who have gone through this process. I know that I will have a good life. There are woman I actually know who are 10 year survivors. I am supported by there unseen song of success.

I am colored by the thinking about good healing and a full life after radiation. My mind is filled with powerful goodness and I want to be touched and moved by this goodness.

‘The soul becomes colored by the color of its thoughts.’ ~ Marcus Aurelius

I consider Marcus Aurelius the most important Stoic philosopher. I tend to have a less emotional view of my life. I was told yesterday that I let things go that is unusual.

Meditations, written in Greek while he was on the campaign in the fighting fields for over 10 years, is revered as a literary monument to a government of service and duty. Service to the greatest good for the greater number is very important. This work serves as an example of how we must approach the Platonic ideal of a leadership. He was a great philosopher-king, thinking before acting with a vision from his heart and not his intellect. He symbolized for me, from my college days, much of what was best about Roman civilization.

I am the philosopher Queen in my own life.


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