Rewiring the System


22nd Radiation Session Friday

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 25, 2010
Tags: , , , , , ,

I have a ringing in my left ear. I understand it is the radiation activating my sinuses. I guess I got water in my ear yesterday and did not use the hair dryer as I usually do to dry out my canals! I just ache a lot. My ear!

Right now, at this moment, I am feverish. It may be that i have such emotional trials on the trails. It amy be a function of the inflammation from cooked cells coursing around my body. I am drinking so much water I wonder if I am flushing out my electrolytes? Would that I could wish into my right here reality an athlete to bring me a big bottle of that neon colored sports drink!

I have to walk out of the fog created by the carelessness of thought, word and actions of mine and people who have been in the life around me. I might be burning up to burn off the dross, none the less I am on a ill feeling fire.

Last night I attended a circle talk about building a campfire. The campfire is a metaphor for creating sacred space. It is the logs that are the repositories of potential but will not ignite with out the surrounding empty space. Without empty time and space nothing can catch on! I need to create a space that is like the stuff surrounding the potential held in the things.

I am at the beginning of coming to terms with this cancer. I must look at the way people behave toward and with me. If I speak to anyone now, it will only be someone with extremely sympathetic ears.

I want to be the harmony that I spread. Harmony! It is Peace inside and outside and flickers with the loving warmth in my heart.

I want to change things by breathing, being and building the peace and harmony inherent in life. I want to stretch beyond my physical boundaries.

I have the habit of bitting my tongue rather than speaking directly that people have been very unkind and hurtful in speech and actions. My relations with my living family has turned toxic. I wonder if there is ever any possibility of communication in our future? I wonder if there is a conversation that will not injure me? Imagine as I tell you about my sentence spoken yesterday, that when I need support it is not available. No hand in the natural way that people lift and aid one another. What am I to do? Imagine that I never developed a magnet for sustained attention from this person who uses the word of love but there is no action from that sonic start!

I am asking questions. This is a big question: what is our real relationship to relationships. I have a sad seed thought that I am alone in my life as I was when I was born as a single individual. Is this not our and my human condition? I assert a real interest in coupling and community but not at the cost in my past connections. I will unknot the strands and melt the tar of my obligations and wake up to enjoy life!

Imagine you are at the other end of this sentence: ‘I did not call you in the past two weeks because I am spending my time building my future’. See how I made my life and chose who and what I allow to treat me badly. It has been a long time coming but I am ready to walk away from some parts of my past as I rest in my natural humanity. How did I get to be the sort of person that any other human being feels it is ok to speak that way to me any time … Now I have no energy and really need unconditional love and I get conversations about how much I will have to pay to get any help. Finally I said I do not wan this conversation .. I will not get hooked by this mean-spirited rubble babble. My heart is so broken that I am sure good will come to fill up the spaces with the fingers of pure compassionate affection.

Healing takes time. The grieving takes time. There is a big part of me that does not know how I feel. Isn’t that terrible! Perhaps it is the shock that just over two months ago I found this lump and spinning. I feel all the spinning. No more spinning, Please!

Everything is so complicated. I am used to living alone. I am used to the being alone. This is who I am right now and this is what I have. What gets me up in the morning is my heart knowing, just heart listening. In the little spark of the beginning there is only heart. The truth is that the light is not afraid of the darkness. Discrimination!

I have passion for my work. I have a friend who keeps my fingers and thoughts to the grindstone. I get a call asking me a question about my writing about part of the confusion I have created over the seven years I have been writing the first chapter. Well I have not had a good editor before and some of the confusion is systemic. Pearl is going to change all of this. She is a shinning light, a real angel just as she is. I would not change a hair! Ooops she is reading this and that fact makes me smile. It is a little slice of Happiness!

I made the life I have and now I am living in it. I do not know how to enjoy most people because of nurdy people skills!. I am very sad and weary from my treatments. I have never learned how to rest! so .. I wish… I wish I had a hovel of love!

I notice that people are ordinarily asleep in their own lives. They do not take the time to look at the nature of things. That is the Nature of Things. I live and breath yet another beautiful day seemingly difficult cancer treatment takes on a different quality in the light of my beliefs.

Beliefs shine out of our individual thought on things. The whole world is about and of beauty. I see the color of the speed of electrons that allows me and perhaps allows you to open and being opened to the wonders of life. Mother Nature is the place.

Light is a reflection of Space. I remember an inner knowing that Sun Ra was available in my life. This was a fact as I was growing up. He and his Cosmic Orkustra would play in the little park on a wooden or particle board stage raised up on unpainted scaffolding above the grass. I would drink in the layers of sound and the joy or creativity.

Sun Ra played for all of us from his truth. His truth was a strand of unspeakable truth so many truly great musicians came to have their break through moment under his direction. Thru the force of Space that Sun Ra articulated both magnetism and gravity co-habituated.

I remember concerts in the University of Pennsylvania basement where the distraction of thought dissipated when the music started. The demand of the beat and the colors became, for me, a great center of the galaxy. It is the secret that Sun Ra was living. He had work ethics and right living that created the integrity of the inner life with the outer service. It was Ra’s work that we know and remember. He did not retire into his little ivory tower. He was not dull. Patty La Bell, John Coltrane, and on and on a long list of great and super great including the great Miles Davis all spent time doing what Sun Ra said. There is a power of focus with attention to the task and the making of magic.

At this time I am trying to manifest the total attention to healing my balance. What is my inner music, where is my heart beat? I feel that I had an unbalance which allowed the cancer to hook me into some bad space. It is the deposits of what I have been. As the Buddhists say, ‘every thought we have and the words and actions that follow, leave their mark’.

I lived for a time in a big stone house along the Wissahickon Creek, the better side of the area where Sun Ra lived. I received the bounding energy in syncopated bits, bleeps and sparkles. He gave me my first real grounding with the still center of infinite space. Space Is The Place!

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