Rewiring the System


Sunny Sunday

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 27, 2010
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Some people think I have super human powers but this is not true. I really have been run over by a cancer car. I sit in the sun and run in the rain just like every other biped. I am not super powered and I am middle aged, which by all estimates, diminishes my physical prowess. I listen to some peoples thoughts about me that probably have nothing to do with me. It is either genuine perceptions or this conversation is a way to push me out of their natural and normal circle of friends. I do not understand how I am not understood as struggling to stay afloat in this sea of such overwhelming physical and emotional stress.

What if I could be loved for what and who I am?
I do not know how people heal from difficulties when there are wave after wave of stress. I am home trying to teach myself to relax and rest. I have to learn how to rest! I am here at home sending the call out of my inner attractiveness and receptivity for the return answer of warm and wonderful inclusive affection.

Why am I abandoned at this low point of my life? How can I ever be available to those who have abandoned me? This is not about vengeance but compassion. I do not want revenge. I want my story to wake people up to helping family and friends. I hope that my family and friends will reappear to offer me support that will give me a chance to recover and never to return to cancer.

I find out that the science of the four kinds of cancer removed, that my particular set was carefully nurtured by the high level of stress I have shouldered over the last ten or more years. The chemistry of stress is toxic.

I do not know how I would manage with out the meals on wheels that provides me a balanced lunch every day. I do not have the energy to think about what to eat. Standing, shopping, preparing what is recommended by the hospital nutritionist is physically unimaginable! I bought the recommended seeds and grains more than a month ago and they still sit in the bags in the wooden bowl next to the stove.

Today I got tired of the rick rack nordic crackers which are the last crackers in my cupboard. They were purchased for me by the last boyfriend I had more than a year ago. I never lacked for good quality food when he was with me. I did not have to think, he just knew what was right and bought it for me. I was forty pounds lighter under his loving attention. we slipped through the cracks. It was my intelligence I believe that put the chink between us. It is true that some people are incapable of coupling. It is the terrors of the past that dragged his heart into the fear of trust and intimacy. Do I need to think about the troubles of others rather than their thinking of mine? I am not unreasonable. I refuse to be tragic!

I keep my head above water by pushing my self to keep thinking about my writing.

I have a special person in my life without her company I would truly be under or over whelmed by the clutter of communications I have trouble reading and responding to things that arrive in the mail. She went through the mail and cleared the external piles and the internal mess and stress. She is an angel in my life. She has been the same angelic and shinning person in my world since the day we first spoke. She kindly offers to drive tous to a drink and people watching. We had sorted three 10 inch piles of essential papers and plugged in my external hard drive to start the digital doing.

So much reDING…sorting. It will be a long process but Pearl gives me just the right loving suggestion and I am started. I am now going to read some pages every day. I need some one with knowledge of keeping files on the computer to help me set up a matrix like file or cloud so I do not have to depend on my memory but can access a properly labeled cabinate constructed in code,,, Pearl always makes me smile. I want to hug her all the time… She picks me up at my door in her perfect green ford! woooo She is an Excellent driver, so certified at the DMV!

When my dear friend and I went for a drink and look out at the parade of passersby, I stopped at the store and bought a loaf of good vital bread.

It is the invisible and intangible and the signs of real distress that people miss. I am not singled out in the brush off. People in my past dismiss not only me but act in ramped disregard of the real universal human need for loving caring attention in times of distress. Not everyone is so self centered or blind.

This is the time when I just need someone to believe in me. When Sidney Poitier, said: the measure of a man, he was talking about how to change society by being a careful and caring parent. I tried to be that to my daughter, yet in the current flow I wonder at the sadness in the actions expressed in our dance.

The true measure of a man is how he provides for his children. ~ Sidney Portier

I kick back in the knowledge that I am going to change my life and hope that I have help in dealing differently with the stress. It is stress of everyday multitasking the stress of not feeling quite good enough. I guess, at this point, I am too tired to tell better stories. I delight in the beautiful sweetly scented long stemmed pink roses that really wanted to come home with me…roses that smell good is so important to me. I passed the roses dipping my nose in their delicacy and moved out of the store.

I might not have much touchy feely tenderness, but what I have is full of life if not physical touch. I just have to see the vitality. I was given a cucumber from my doctors garden. When I cut into it there was a spray of fragrance and freshness that I cannot ever remember smelling before. It was a healing smell. It was a deliciousness that is more tasty than candy.

I just have to make it through this section. I wish I did not have such a single state of physical and emotional existence.

Tomorrow is day twenty three. I do not know if I can stand anymore external radiation. I may have to be my own master and not make it through to day 25. I am now actually taking pain drugs because the tube of Novocain is not stopping the pain! The iced gel does keep the fabric off the skin but the burning sensation sears my body accumulating in my mind further disturbing my balance. Is it day or night my circadian rhythms are shifted toward the darkness. My light, in my day is not afraid of the night.

I am asked how come my emotions are so openly shared? I say that I am just one of many woman, who upon finding they have breast cancer, have strong torrential emotions that are combined with vibrant pain. I have a new insight about the meaning of ‘cancer survivor.’

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One Response to 'Sunny Sunday'

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  1. badthing said,

    Hello,

    I’m sorry and sad that you are going through such an emotionally and physically demanding fight with your health and overall day-to-day living, my dear Ilsa. Within you I see great power and strength to replace negative with positive.

    I think the fact that you can express yourself this well via the written word is one of your strengths. 🙂

    I may not interact often, but know I am reading and I am caring.

    Peace, Love, Understanding and Respect,
    Marilyn


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