Rewiring the System

24 Hell

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on September 29, 2010
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Good Luck, She said as she walked about five feet to the left and on her way at a swift pace away from me. ‘Good luck’ is a door slamming. People who say they love one another seem to say all sorts of hurtful things as though being emotional was what the world is waiting for. Love is not the words. It is caring actions which speak louder than words. I have a heart crushed by the silence of good luck!

Is she wanting to see if this will kill me? I do not want to die so I am sure this will not be the truck that runs me over. I just cannot understand how after I gave her every opportunity that she would turn on me at my lowest point as I strive to recocer from breast cancer surgery and radiation!

What is the truth about beginnings? Is it the music of a swinging (George) Balanchine? On stage, the things I love more than endings are beginnings.

As in First there was the Word! The breath energy before the sound formation is the first movement away form stasis and balance. Poise and balance is neither here or there. She seems happy to walk out of my life. For her it is a beginning without a Mother. For me it is yet another dreadful ‘I was your Daddy’ dance. I do not have an answer to how this can ever be bridged. Is this the place of no return?

The beginning starts with unbalance, which starts the adventure. ‘Start’ is a direction out of the center. As if Anybody cares?

Day 24, it is a day and not the passe uninteresting TV show 24. This is a day in an archaic series of radiation treatments which in a year will no longer be used. In a short time the radiation for the low level small cancer I had will be done at the time of surgery! A paddle will be inserted and will do its work without the dreary rides to the treatment center. People will no longer have to tollerate the carelessness of the technicians. There is more gravy in this grave process. And thought I have just one day more of radiation I wanted today to be the last.

I asked the dr. if it was possible not to have tomorrows treatment. Yes, I have to come back Wednesday for the last treatment. But tomorrow I will no longer have a daughter to abuse me. She offered to drive me but I think she did not really want to be around me. I am wondering about reporting her for abuse to the authorities. Out of 15 trips to the hospital she drove me five times and four of the five were traumatic. Why can’t she be nice to me? She is nicer to strangers. I wish her well, enough contact. Sayonara baby. This is as formal as I can be right now.

Imagine during the time of my life when I really need real help and real affection, my daughter chooses to walk out of my life. Imagine that!

My cancer is gone but I am in unacceptable pain and physically suffering. I have the lesser of the spectrum of breast cancer, yet I really feel sick.

My friend gave me a name of a drug to ask the dr for. It is a real pain killer with out filler. All but the incision pain is under the magic wand of this drug! Pure Druggggg!

The people who want to hook my emotions outnumber nice friends. The start is discrimination. I am ranting!

Right now I feel no physical pain! I do have the heat removing gels on the affected area and I am still off gassing Heat. I will be able to sleep better tonight because of this pain killer. It really works!

I need emotional relief! I wonder how to make new friends at a time of such low energy. I am unable to do much. Yesterday the doctor told me to practice radical rest. I have levels of anxiety which do not allow me to rest. It is terrible to have a family crisis to compound my difficulties.

I went to the Y and walked in the water. The exercise calms my emotions and my body.The cool water makes the redness less than it would be without the chill and exercise. In fact a just released ten year study says that without 30 minute regular exercise there is an 85 % chance that the cancer will return though probably in different places in my body! I will do anything to never get cancer again.

Meanwhile I am alone with no safety net to catch me…. My daughter probably has been thinking about this for some time but strategically took the 24th day of my radiation treatments when I am at my lowest energy and quality of my life to leave me. I am not roused to anger, in fact I feel great compassion for a person who wants to guarantee a special place in the cause and effect see saw! How will she if she wants to to build any relationship with me? I came into this world alone and now I am alone and I will die alone! I just cant believe the fulcrum happened today!


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