Rewiring the System


Day One After

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 1, 2010
Tags: , , ,

It is the first day of my radiation digestion process. Day One In Reverse. All those 25 days of putting the rays into my left breast have come to a stand still or so I thought. It turns out that the radiation goes retrograde! What? Yes the process goes over all the experiences I had before but now with the added swollen cells each filled with toxic radio active fluids which are telling my entire body of cells that they must mobilize.

Today, I heard one sentence of information. It was shared for the first time. It was one sentence about what i am to expect to happen in my body now that the treatments are over. I asked the question about ‘what’ I can expect of ALL my doctors. Every one of the medical professionals said nothing about what is actually going on in my body or how difficult it is going to be or HOW LONG this process is going to take! Is this the way Doctors are trained to talk to patients?

What should I expect? What does the radiation do? How can I do my part in this process? What is the general effect of the radiation?

Why did ALL my doctors withhold the information from me about me?

What is there to worry about when the patients know about trajectory of the process?

The doctor I saw today told me that she could see I was intelligent enough to handle the facts!

Oh My!! Is there an intelligence quotient test before conversation? I am glad she trusted me not to go off into the far reaches of emotional left field! I would be happier if I was told I was trustworthy. Every person can rise to the level of moral and ethical trustworthiness.

What a hoot and a hollar that the general population is not worthy of open conversation with clear language as a dialog communicating a an opened book. Not going to a book but to the medical staff especially the person who should know the answers. I as a patient and all breast cancer post surgical patients desire knowing the truth about their bodies.

I will tell you a story about my car. I have a great car. It was rear ended by a woman (driving in a suspect purple car), who was not paying attention to the road. I had stopped at a cross walk on Shattuck Avenue, a central spine street going from Oakland through to Albany, cutting Berkeley in half. She was traveling above the speed limit by 10 miles, at 35 MPH she hit me and my beautiful beige ‘angels wings shimmering in the sun golden champaign’ painted Honda SE so hard that the suspension and alignment moved making the car is basically unfixable.

So I go to a down the block repare shoppe who tells me that I have 10% brakes and that I have to have them fixed immediately. That was not the truth. One mechanic after another told me some made up things to get business. I know I am both a woman and a red head so it certainly seemed assumed that I know diddly and squat about cars or anything other than painting my nails.

I went to four different shops paying for each evaluation. Finally I met a lovely brilliant blue collar man at the Y Jacuzzi. He is a big truck engine engineer. He knows what is going on under the hood of a car by the various sounds. Tom agreed to come to my driveway and listen to my car and give me his thoughts. It is priceless to have a builder of cars share the wisdom of the wealth of his experience. He said it was fine. Things were shaken up but now was not the time to pay money since a new car is on the horrizon. I did need a new starter which i did have put in at a shop of Toms choosing, Tom made the call to the shop and arranged all the detailes so when I went in the paperwork was ready and I was well taken care of because I had one of ‘them’ do the talk and direct the fixin’.

In the cancer patient world for some reason the doctors are unreasonable. One doctor said I was drawing a line in the sand because I asked for a medicine to lift some of the brain weariness I was feeling. Another said the most unprofessional pointless statement to a patient: I could loose my license. I found that a self fulfilling prophesy. She Lost Me for all times.

Now I know that the swelling will continue and the pain of the swollen cells striving for stasis is a battle , a battle that will rage for a year. Perhaps this is part of a seven year cycle.

i have morphine, thanks to my dear friend Pearl, who knew the name of one that she knows works for pain. I gave the name to the doctor and not the sort of support FROM the doctor. She looked at me, as though she wanted to look INSIDE and after whatever was spiraling around the decision making area over her ears behind her forehead and wrote a prescription. I was, for instance, being the point of the arrow in our consideration of my health. it is a terrible and constant pain in and around my radiated cells.My left breast cells are sending swollen ness to all my being the point of the arrow in our healthy brain as arrows so I am very weary tired and my brain is not working.

I am glad to know that this pain and suffering is going to get worse but it will end. I want to know what I can do to create and internal chemistry for the maximum healing. I want to be healthy and enjoy hugs and all of life lived to the fullest.

I have a surprise and a tree lined canopy covering my foot path into my delightful future. Good things will happent to and for me.

I am getting my treatments as well as the surgery at one of the 10 most respected medical centers specializing in cancer care and research in America and one in the family of world wide institutions that truly deliver. Why then are the doctores not telling me whats going on and what i have to look forward to happening .

After my conversation today I have a better handle grip on the phrase: Radical Rest. I have edema: the edema is all my left side from my ear to my fingers down my leg to my toes. I add dignity and loving attention to the situation by going to a local nail shop to catch ten toes of great garnet sparkle. So they look really good, I feel really good. In fact I do look very good.. Looks are deceiving, everyone including my mirror says I look good. It is a case of self respect and self care. I take morphine in the night which works seamlessly in the small amount I take yet it lift the difficult intense solid constant crushing. It does not make me groggy or dull. In fact it lends a small opening in my thinking because it sweeps away the searing quality of the war in my cells I do not want this to be a nine year war. I am told that the only way I will success in this effort ids to put put productivity aside until I feel myself.

Today I got a call which put a permeant smile on my face and in my heart. I have someone special to look forward to meeting. At the very begining I was informed that ‘things would open up for me’ after ai completed this process. Knowng there is a spiritual prize brings joy to my mind and heart, Though I am a physically low oint I am filled with the glory of truth everlasting he senisitizia combining male and female where the grounding colors of gender meets the light flutter of femininity to arm and arm the dance of two stars in the endless dance floor.
I hurt. I have Life and life will incorporate hurt and transform the bits into a natural beauty

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