Rewiring the System

4 day of radiation effects

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 4, 2010
Tags: , ,

Today is just terrible. I really am the worst yet. The bottoms of my feet are numb and my calves are tight and stinging. I have no energy with waves of nausea that is systemically different that sick tummy. It is a general malaise that is queazy everywhere.

There was not breakfast food in my fridge for the past few days. I just have not had the energy to go to the market. Yesterday I went out to breakfast and it was delightful. Though going out takes energy and talking just feels like the life light is draining out of my being.

I fell asleep sitting up just now. I just can’t think about this. I can not register reality. I have the fact that this is almost over. I wish I understood the reason I have to suffer so much I can not believe that this is happening for nothing. I have to be really wrecked to fall asleep in a dark deep blackness while the tv is on and loud and all the lights are all on and my fingers are on the keyboard.

How unbelievable that my housekeeper paid my abusive daughter money for the days she told me basically that I will get no real help and i will do all this myself, Good Luck were her exact words.

It is a complete run around. I feel like I am in a grand disaster. How did i manage to be surrounded with human bodies occupied by intention which does not ask me what I want or need?

Right now, I am in so much pain, I would rather be alone. I do not have time for people who do not and can not respect me as they would respect themselves.

When will I get on my feet? She is so attached to my having misfortune, from any angle, that my trust of, for, and about her is gone.
I am too sick right now to have to think about other peoples bad behavior.

Imagine your family, your only living family getting out of the car and walking away and telling you Good Luck? I do not want that in my life. It is this sort of toxic stress that has driven me toward various sadness and illness.

Last night I looked up my kind of cancer and the radiation treatment delivered to me on Wikipedia, I got the whole picture from a computer encyclopedia Not From My Doctors.

I just took another morphine. My right knee is swollen and it hurts more than the burned breast. Why do I have people in my life who are so horrid?

I just want to curl up and disappear. I have no one to lean on. Now that I have said this I have made a step into the uncharted area of the disaffected and diaspira. I create a more unattractive personal than when I kept my mouth shut. Quiet about what is bothering me is more likely to attract responsive people who keep their word and watch their behavior.



5 Responses to '4 day of radiation effects'

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  1. It will not last forever. the truth is that many breast cancer survivors go thru just what I am going thru but they never say how horrid it all is. there is no accounts of their suffering. as any one who has had the surgery and you will hear just what ai am venting… three or four days ago I was at the y and 4 of the 6 woman sitting around talking have gone through just what I am going through! yea it is that real!

  2. Hang in there. Yes, it sucks, but you sound like a survivor to me. I can not offer advice because I have not been through what you are experiencing.

    Try to stay positive.

    be well

    • you are here at my website! research research.

  3. jodie said,

    this is given to you so you can remove the toxic people from your life and see how much real life you have been missing… you will see this as a blessing in years to come even though now it feels like hell… you are fighting to live, which means you want to live, so there is a good start… you can feel pain, also another good thing, it means you are alive… sometimes we have to walk away from our families in order to see who we really are… sometimes it is the toxic situations that give us the cancer in the first place… you are loved, even though it may not feel like that right now, but you will be a survivor that helps others through this situation… you will know too well how hard it is to do alone… warm and fuzzies… jodie

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