Rewiring the System


First Doctor on Reverse 6

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 6, 2010
Tags: , , , ,

It’s not about what you have to, it’s about what you want to be alive. I want to tell my story, uncensured raw and authentic.I want to sing dance move and thrill within the parameters and boundaries of living on earth in California Prajna Paramitra, sanscrit for the binding dance of life.

It may seem like whining to some and like pity self and generalized aspect which has been called by one as unspiritual and inappropriate. The one or two people who understand the mayhem, I thank you for understanding my ‘situation’. and thank you for sharing that you have walked in this trouble. People who have had cancer and those special people who have help the hand of a family member or friend who has survived or succumbed to the Big C anywhere in our bodies. For me it is Breast Cancer that is so surprising. The B is for Breast. It is a condition I never thought I would get.
“Kindness & generosity” are actions, I am told by a monk who read some part of my story. Maybe he read it here on this Blog? Maybe on another web story book. He writes to me, “I am sorry you are suffering so at this time”. There is an opened heart in a body of a man who is really striving to live his religion. He has compassion for my stories because he knows that everyone has some injuries and hurts and some are very painful and others are overwhelmingly painful. His time of training his mind and brain to focus on the point and place where he is at any given moment tells him that my particular situation is very overwhelming.

Right now I feel so sick! Everything that I need to do I am doing all by myself. I am exhausted. It is amazing not to have one friend drive me to the hospital. I have not one person to do anything for me. I just feel all the regular aches and pains and the terrible aloneness together in a mix of overdoing because I have It is alone from like minded people. The fact seems to be that no one gives a dam.

This is the aspect of the cancer that is being highlighted. It is Loneliness and aloneness that makes this disease most horrible. It is a back stab your friends and family for some unknowable reason. I feel it is a mass Western Society idea. Is it some agenda that has been on my mind and heart since 1991 when I first heard HHDL talk about how Western Societies have never felt unconditional love. I am not the only woman who finds people walk away when you really need them.

In the light of this new found truthI will not return to my past relationships like these I once tolerated. Especially the spiritual students who pontificate. So the woman on Facebook, who wrote that she understood because she had been in the sort of pain I currently am writing about. I really appreciate her understanding. I did find out one important ability, that I can block and un-friend on Facebook and in life, those who have negative things to say to me while I am so under the big gray cloud.

Kindness & generosity are expressed in actions and not in vapor-wear of words. The doctor was not friendly today and it was such a surprise. In all the weeks I saw her every Tuesday She never answered the questions of what exactly is going on from the radiation or how much radiation grays I was given.

Today the doctor answered my question about radiation! She said I got 45 grays, in amounts of 2 grays each treatment. How is this possible? I am thinking can 25 treatments of 2 zonks equal 45? Other questions I asked about the bell curve of patients, grays and outcomes she brushed off. I was told to look my questions up on the internet! I was hurt by that answer. I told her I was talking to the Breast Cancer Resource Center who told me she did not understand why the Doctor withheld the statistics and other science information. I got the feeling the the radiation doctor wanted me to go to a medical library and figure it out myself. Then she told me I was angry at her, yes ‘AT”!

I am so glad I had an intuition about this meeting. I asked the nurse to stay in the room. I just knew in my less dense bodies that I would need a third party for my safety in this conversation. It might be a fact that I will never get the answers to what was done to me and how. Right now I am too tired to research for facts.

The Oncologist and I share a friend who still practices medicine on the east coast. He is such a special human being and a great doctor. I am sure that this day must have been a confusion of many events in her life that includes my asking questions she might not have been prepared to answer.

I learned about the measurement of radiation in ‘grays’ from Wikipedia. The problem is that I do not know exactly how to search for the statistical curve of radiation and how much is the general time of recovery. It is a subtlety within the information stream that is revealed only to doctors. It will take more wok than the energy for that kind of investigation I currently have available.
I am so under the big gray cloud. I am too tired to learn any more. Tomorrow another doctor and I shall look forward to alife with no doctor appointments.

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