Rewiring the System


7 days since the last zap

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 7, 2010
Tags: , , , , ,

For my complete entertainment, my social worker at the UC cancer center told me that by my sentence, I was telling her that I did not appreciate her! WHAT? Imagine, I thought as I sat there watching her emotions rise on her neck and fill her face with white anger, this was happening to me at my lowest time of energy, this was happening now!

I had not idea how or what was going on in her head. Certainly, I said nor did anything to express in anyway, anything but all the gratitude and respect for all she had dome for me. What was she thinking?

I had asked a question about my binder of disorganized papers, which was miss understood therefore miss answered. I had to stop any forward motion about the subject at hand and go back to the unraveling and untwist the sentences not once but three times until i got the words out of my mouth to link properly with the words that entered her ears. One of the things she said to me, during that intersection, was that she no longer would be working with me, now that I am no longer being served by the oncology center! Is she kidding me? I am still being served since Ihave a burned breast and no information. Is there some subterfuge going on that is undermining any possibility for healing and completion?

My immediate reaction was …OK, if this is good by, I am good. I have experience in doing everything for myself by myself for years on end.

I have not had a real helping hand since Walter Ligget died. He was a lovely person who lead with his heart and was a man of few words. It is his direction, prompting and support in large measure has born fruit of all the best parts of my current life. When he was near death he asked that I give him his last rites in his belief system and not the local leaders of his faith. I understand his spiritual entwine-ment. We are two twines looped and touching from root to blossom, between our souls.

Why should I care if the social worker thinks I am not worth the basic good maners of listening and talking nicely? Why should I care if she no longer finds easy communication with me. I will manage. I always somehow manage.Some times things take longer than it should but that is because I have to do every little thing that makes any detail of my day all by and for myself. What ever I said that was misunderstood is lost in the dust of that road traveled in history. That story is gone forever. Frankly her making me work so hard about her feelings when I did and said nothing wrong. I am really trying to shuffle out of radiation redux after surgery. I do not feel well. I have a lot of pain from the edema and lPeripheral neuropathy as an after effect from the lymph surgery. I have damage to nerves of the peripheral nervous system, which is a side-effect of systemic breast cancer illness.

Iam surrounded by deeply angry people who have had the ability to listen to what I am saying at any given moment for them impossible to understand. I am living in a place that I definitely do not like. Why would I ever want this social workers assistance again?

I am really weary form the process yet I have to go through this miscommunication. I had a wonderful conversation in the waiting room of the radiation center today. A man who is going through his second series of radiation therapy. He said that his wife attracts nice people because she is nice. I am nice and from this instant onward I put out the attraction energy for only non dramatic nice conversations to be returned to me.

I am not alone, I have my inner understanding of the real as separate from the unreal. My life is like a snap or flash in the infinate movement of life. I will continue to take care of myself and work to make something out of my life. Right now I have to fully recover from this invasion inside my body. I need to make changes to heal properly. One of the first changes is not to tollerate unkind thoughts, emotions, word,s or actions. I must rest!
Directly form the the emotional pollution of my nervous system I drove ahead of the rush hour to the pool where I walked in the cool water for almost two hours.

My breast is not as bright magenta red as it was just yesterday … The zink burn medicine is doing wonders. I have new kind of surface bandage and crams. The pain killer morphine is doing something to my pain level that is actually nurturing real healing. I am moving forward by leaps and bounds and hope to recover soon. Though my brain and mind are heavy at all times I feel opened and ready to put all of this behind me.

I must remember this interaction today and avoid any and all toxic people! I am ready to make tremendous progress. I have to choose either to avoid people all together or interact carefully.

A friend wrote such nice words the other night yet I have not had any communication since then. I am so very tired that I am unable to write anymore about my day now. I am feeling as though I am passing out and am about to completely black out! what a feeling! It has something to do with the weight of other peoples emotions on my neck and shoulders.
I look forward to a call from the people who are real … Kindness is the fluid of heart life.

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