Rewiring the System

Have You Seen The Truth?

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 8, 2010
Tags: , , ,

Today after my first posting, here, right here on this blog, I dashed off to the hospital. I wondered, if at all possible to cross paths with the social worker who, just yesterday, broke all our trust and my heart. I lost trust in her and the sort of human family that allows within the heart and being of a person to behave as she did with me and how she does with other fragile injured cancer patients..I lost trust in the institution that trained her. She behaved in a way that makes me never want to talk to her again. I mentioned earlier that she accused me of telling her she was bad. Imagine what lives inside her head that constructed and spoke those sentences?

Well I got to see her before my meeting after lunch. Our paths intersected in the main cancer resource office. I said hello and lo, she came up toward me on the other side of the pillar which is holding up the ceiling. We exchanges a few pleasantries, then of all things she apologized to me. She actually accepted responsibility for her misbehavior. Ahhh how long will the searing pain in my heart need to recover?

In todays conversation I was told the ‘situation’ happened because she did not know how to create better boundaries! That is how the cancer center fixes the problem! If anyone has a emotional explosion, the best reason is to blame the client that correct boundaries were not told to the client! I asked for help that was not in her job description and I was not told this until after her emotions were unloaded into and on me. I am the patient who is both not recovered and has no one else to ask for help, 1) figuring out the massive paperwork to get and keep my medical coverage. 2)her sending in the paperwork for me to get my transportation miles so that I can get a tiny part of the almost double the six hundred dollars of just bridge tolls. When I crossed paths and not crossed swords I askek about when I would get the check from the American Cancer Society. She said that she had not processed Septembers report and had not communicated for the last month. This is yet another part of the help that in all probability she is not authorized to take care of! I was told I would get other checks since I am in real need and the cancer foundations want a client just like me to help. But the paperwork was not processed. I need a helper to help this social worker figure out how to process my funding paperwork. Yes I am angry to have been attacked and then in shock that I have to keep after her!

Anyhow while I was in line for the wig haircut the woman behind me with her wig in a bag started telling me her situation with all her friends bailing on her big time. So that my limited quality of life with support as I am having the difficulties … I am doing everything for myself as I am dealing with the surgical pain and the edema from the radiation. I exercise every day to reduce the symptoms. I wonder what suffering I would be having if I did not exercise.

The sketchiest fact is that I am part of a large group with a long strand of woman who have no helping hand to help in any way as they go through breast cancer surgery and therapies. I an not the only woman who has one around to do anything. This woman has a cousin to drive her to the hospital. In the 30 trips to UCSF twice a male friend drove me to the hospital and four times I got an abusive ear full from a daughters drive. One of those daughter times the rented car was scratched. She tells me she got in to the car and the scratch was already there. How can I comment because she is always right. The is six out of thirty equals that I drove myself twenty four times. Today I had to pinch myself so I would not fall asleep at the wheel coming home. It is that sort of deep weariness that turns your eyes and mind off and into deep sleep, I cannot remember when I have been this tired while driving!

I found out from a person that there are many woman who are in my same situation. One person on face book and a few people else where told me to stop whining about my being alone. Today I meet and talk with people who are describing how people who she thought were her friends completely abandoned her now that she has cancer. Her weakness is strong! I took her name and number and I am going to interview her about her situation. What an experience. It broke my heart thinking about the mass suffering going on around our city , the state and country and perhaps the entire world. Now that breast cancer has become an environmental illness dur to vitamin d deficiency coupled with the chemical byproducts of multitasking stress and poor nutrition which leads to being overweight. These are the environmental causes of 85% of all breast cancers. Only 15 % are the product of the BRAC1 and possible BRAC2 genes. The BRCA1 protein (breast cancer type 1 susceptibility protein also known as RING finger protein 53) contains the following domains:
Zinc finger, C3HC4 type (RING finger)
BRCA1 C Terminus (BRCT) domain
This protein also contains nuclear localization signal and nuclear export signal motifs. These signals are not superstition and wake up in certain situations.

The environmental cancers are planted by bad lifestyle and certain other chemical deficits. Sedentary choices along with overeating the wrong things under a stressful life with not enough loving attention and affection is a breeding ground for cancer and other deadly illnesses.

I am sad a lot of the time. For some, what unimaginable, unearthly reason I have accepted that it is ok for people give me less than I deserve. It is not easy to wake up!

A writer friend who now lives in the midwest wrote to me earlier today: ‘One thing I have learned is that those who espoused positive thinking at all costs are not always the best source for support. Humans suffer, they feel overwhelmed and that needs to be acknowledged. Feeling pain, expressing that, is not going to make your recovery longer or more difficult. There will be better days.’

I will recover. I just am so dam alone! If only I could change the way I think and feel!
Doctor Ruth sent me this magic sentence:

Every thought you have
is like a chime that
vibrates to all those near and far.
Let your mental sound
become finely tuned.


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