Rewiring the System


11 day looking back

Posted in Joy by rewiringangel on October 11, 2010
Tags: , , , , , ,

I feel I that I was especially hard hit by and from my radiation treatment.I know this vibrating cellular sensations will evaporate soon. My heart sings with this possibility.

I find, in conversations with (so many) woman, who are or have taking radiation, that they too are weary and disorientated. Some woman are more weary than I and others just as drained as I am. One woman told me that she felt exactly as I do today for two months! I hope for myself and for all people suffering everywhere on our Earth.

If we live for an eye for an eye the whole world will go blind. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
I cannot harbor, in my heart, anger toward all the people who have withheld information about what I can expect from the radiation. I have a need to know. I have been told to look it up on the internet. What do I ask for when I type out my desire for information. I am in a sort of an Information Black Hole since I do not know what to ask about my radiation condition or where to look for the information.

The main pain is in my left arm on the same side as my surgery and my left leg from my pelvis down to my toes! Though my pain is personal I feel empathy for all those suffering with cancers and all other life harming illnesses. I have no safety net or helping hand with the piles of paperwork and bills to be paid. My mind is in a sort of non functioning state and I have no where to turn. I am afraid to fall apart. I have to figure out how to regain my health care. I had no idea I had to reapply! I feel like a completely isolated individual. The national social policy abandons the sick. I hope that the nation can channel this lack of help for those who cannot help them selves into some real political change.

I feel like I am standing in a torrential storm, and I, among the many, are at a loss of stability! We, who are in essence shafts of life force, are bent over by the winds and feel the pelting of the rain of difficulties. I am not fine!

This is not the life I was supposed to have. This is the life I created. I allowed unbalance and dis-ease to flourish. It is by my unwillingness to take care of myself that worked to create the chemical structure which acted like food for the abhorrent cells.

Cancer cells are all about their bragging and bosting that they can expand anywhere they want to go. How do I live and develop the will forces to change? I want to make sure I do not have the atmosphere within the entire system as well as the internal cellular chemistry.

It was suggested by a lovely nurse, Ms. Carrigan, that all I have to do is show my naked magenta red breast and people will know that my insides are in conflict with what is natural. She has shown me respect for my conditions. She gives me love for just exactly who I am right now in my bought / battle with breast cancer.

Because of my tragedy I have learned a lot about life through many useful experiences. I do not want to live alone. I want to have friends who know enough about life sufficiently to be a friend in return.

I want to love until it hurts, to Love all people in every walk of life. I truly walk with love in my heart. I see beauty in every person, place, and thing. I practice what is in my heart while learning harmony. I am living based on general respect for life. Experiencing devotion to life and say heart felt deep admiration and respect for others. It is useful to develop tolerance which is essential for peace. I want to hear from all the people who care!

The Universe has touched a person who lives at some distance from where I am currently living. It is not where you live that is important. It is what people are around you.

Though the suffering is coming to me from people who are not living in harmony. I am seeing the possibility of changing and feeling forgiveness for them and to myself. I feel the reverence for life touching me across the miles which separate us from one another. Joy in the possibility of the last great relationship of my life.

I have come up against difficult times. There is a sparkle of love that is warming my heart. I have a glimpse beyond my suffering as I am being pulled into relationship which will transcend my current condition. I become putty in his strong capable hands. He fashions from his heart my speck of dust to bind me divinely toward the commitment toward harmony. I was giving the insight, by a great teacher, that after my illness I would live in a regained balance. I will work to become the balance I seek with all my heart. I am so very happy that there is a chance to live in a dance with a person who hears the sound of the infinite and reaches out across the miles. I feel such devotion to the glory of the infinite goodness . I see truth from this pulling me toward change. I live to return the joyful magic which this very evening has filled my heart with Beauty.

Navajo Prayer

In Beauty May I Walk
All Day Long May I Walk In Beauty
Through the returning seasons
Beauty I will possess again
Beautiful Birds
Beautiful Joyful Birds
On a Trail Marked with Pollen May I Walk
With Grasshoppers about my feet May I Walk
With Dew About My Feet May I Walk
With Beauty May I Walk
With Beauty Before Me May I Walk
With Beauty Behind Me May I Walk
With Beauty Above Me May I Walk
With Beauty All Around Me May I Walk
In old Age,Wandering on a Trail
Of Beauty, Lively, May I Walk
It Is Finished in Beauty
It Is Finished In Beauty.

If we live for an eye for an eye the whole world will go blind. ~ Mahatma Ghandi

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