Rewiring the System

15 Day Toward Healing

Posted in politics by rewiringangel on October 15, 2010
Tags: , ,

Am I dreaming? While I was having surgery and getting radiation my medical insurance was coming to an abrupt end. There was a letter I received two weeks ago. I gave this information to the social worker at UCSF. It turns out that she is very sympathetic and means well.

It turns out that the information she gave me and was calling the wrong center. I found this out today when my daughter, rising to the cause of helping me since I cannot help myself shuffle the ocean of paperwork accumulated in the months I have been in shock.

The shock of having cancer then facing the process of removing it then the process that gives hope that it will not return did not register with the health provider. My day started by traveling by traveling to the edge of reality… The correct office was in the far reaches of Oakland. After weeks of calling the representative, today her supervisor came out to talk with us. She did not want to talk to me because obviously I was very weary and tired looking and was not able to speak paperwork language without getting paper cuts on my tongue! She said that she would not speak to me but only to my daughter. Imagine If I Had to have gone to the office without an advocate.

One person alone is weak. I am most often alone. I got a tongue lashing at the hospital my last visit because I was alone for the appointment. I am sick so sick that this is a time to blame the victim. Do I have any joy in my every day life aside from running the gerbil exerciser wheel? And is there anyone who gives a care or any interest in me thicker than a single rats hair? I feel worse today than yesterday, but I have to get up tomorrow and get about the business of procuring the attention of the supervisor for health care. Would I be better off if I just let all this sadness drown me. One person told me that there is a German saying … Not to let your head drop or droop when standing up to your neck in excrement so that you will not get the stuff in your mouth. It is not a shock because from where I sit things are going to continue to be difficult. I just want curl up and rest sufficiently so that I can tackle all the little complications. But it is unlikely that I will be allowed the time to just do nothing long enough to rest into recovery. And Who Cares?

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the drugs prescribed by the Surgeon and was told by the druggiest assistant that my insurance was denied. I had been to the insurance office just two hours earlier. At that meeting I had no idea that my insurance would not have a stay of removal.

So much suffering is a product of corporate correctness. I am not the only cancer suffer who has not been given the medicines because of insurance denial. Does it matter what political party you play with in the electoral process. Who in government cares if the governed are maligned. All of my records show that I had breast cancer. All of the participants in all my processes have access to my information.

Tomorrow I have to return to the department in the other side of the city and file or refile my information. This afternoon I spent hours organizing the necessary paper work though I did nothing to be removed from the insurance. I was not told I had to send in information every year. I still do not know if this is the reason for the difficulty! I do not know when I will be reinstated for my medications.

The most difficult part of this whole process and what every survivor of breast cancer and the treatments is that the radiation messes with your mind. My memory is not working I feel sure because of the weariness that is an aspect of heat activated, as though a deep inner sun burn, cells everywhere in my body.

Not having medication insurance and having the medical team that has all the information tell me it is not in their boundaries. I am on my way!

Everyone who knew me before my drama tells me just how tired I look. One woman yesterday at the pool told me that I have bags on the bags under my eyes. That is pretty tired looking. So instead of radical resting I have to be stressed out and run around patching my life up … I am doing this day after day. I am so tired … Pessimism, melancholy and I did not see this coming.

Some time ago I was told that things would be happening tomorrow but though tomorrow came and went nothing that was promised occur. I am falling into a deep funk. Stress is going to kill me!

I am now one of the people who is not well enough to take care of myself. I am different: NOT! I am learning about life.


One Response to '15 Day Toward Healing'

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  1. hahahahaha very funny I try to ignore my feelings but life has thrown it at me and I cannot stand the heat.

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