Rewiring the System


23 Welcome To This Spot

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 23, 2010
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The real tragedy is why grown woman and men are afraid of facing the Light!

What are you afraid of really? I am afraid of not knowing what is going on in my body right now. I am afraid that not knowing about my condition and what is to be expected allows the doctors a wide  swatch area where manipulation of my body and mind will happen.

This week I have been thinking a lot about Hot and Cold reactive emotions. I am very weary from the radiation treatments. The dead tiredness is exacerbated by the lack of clear communication from the doctors to whom I have entrusted my life. Pearls happen when the shell reacts to irritation.

When an irritating object becomes trapped, it deposits layers of calcium carbonate (CaCO3), slowly increasing in size until there is produced a pearl.

This irritating process serves no purpose to the oyster.  Patients and pearls do not inform or perform any other function but to be there in the process. It seems impossible to find an evolutionary advantage for the ability to produce the pearl, thus it can be explained only as a reaction to an irritation.

My specific interaction involves my immune system and is thus dependent on the (possibly unique) sensitivity of my organism involved while the irritant, CANCER, classically, acts in a specific manner. Radiation always depresses the human body to carry away infections. The irration of radiation might cause a pearl of personal growth. I have called it the Cancer of my transformation. Hot or cold it visualities under the most trying physical, emotional and mental conditions. The doctors have hundreds and possibly thousands of experiences to my singel moment in the medical walking wounded. Why do they all walk on a mobius path which at a certain light looks like contact but we never actually have a meeting.

Exacerbation is a form of stress, but conversely, if one is stressed by unrelated matters, mild imperfections can cause a person to be more irritation than usual: then one is irritable.

I am a pearl in the process of becoming more and more beautiful as I manage the irritating lack of real information.  Tonight I went to my daughters home for a cup of soup together with both she and her husband after my two hours at the pool.  She has been talking with the various doctors at my request. Monday I am going to sign a form to let the hospital that I completely approve of their shared conversations on my behalf.  I have complete confidence in her ability to deal with the  hierarchal flotsam, while at the same time having my best interests in her heart. I loved sharing my life with my daughter and teaching her that Life Is Good and she is safe in the world.

I sit at the table and listen to what she tells me the persons have told her about my misperceived hot reactions.  Her most important point is for me not to jump away from the institution. She knows me because I have been by her side all her life.

My daughter basically tells me that reacting to the way I was treated put the short hairs of the doctors standing on edge.  The oncologist is afraid of telling me about what she thinks about what will happen and what we can do together.  Imagine that for a minute! Not answering my questions is the only way the medical team is trained to communicate with patients.  I can expect no more information, exact or general whether I am reactive or passive.
She tells me that” the way i react directly effects how difficult things are – don’t freak out and make thing so complicated, usually things are more simple than you think”. She is good and is a combination of great parenting and sending her to gereat private educational institutions where real learning in the form of a human family with people from almost ever principality and nation send their bright children., Not everyone who applies gets in. I watched as a friend of se’s was telling se that she was not offered a position in the class.  I felt my heart sink for her friend. Serena was a darling yet she cared for the friends who woud not be chosen for this class.George was a great education that trained great minds to find great world supporting projects for the great good of all. There was a class In working with hierarchal structures .  Line jello shooters on two levels wearing red bathing suits for those days when serious studying happened.

I look forward to my appointment on Monday with the one doctor I believe will tell me something. In fact it was she who made reference to the adrenal overload that contributed to my creating an environment for the cancer seeds to multiply.

Today, in the clubby atmosphere of the Y shower after  my walk/swim I was standing next to a woman I know slightly more than slightly.  I met her when I was involved in Torah Study Saturday mornings at a large local house of worship. She watched my breast during the entire trajectory of my situation.  She tells me that just today her very dear personal friend, (I am a pool friend), was just diagnosed with breast cancer and was told that the lymph was involved. I asked a few questions about what stage etc but she did not know any of the answers. She was afraid both for her friend and for herself.

She saw me the day I was diagnosed, and every day there after. She heard how I struggled to get a second opinion and how hard it was to be pro active in the medical slosh with doctors who had one way of thinking and acting in their professional lives. I did not feel safe since the BIG C has a certain scary deadly vengeance in taking years off a persons life. Though I always feel I am striving to be awake to the world primarily through the individuality of self, my self and the other selves in my dance hall. Part of my problem Is That I Have no one to b=make me a cup of tea or bring me anything as I struggle to rest. Certainly an outsider tht is anyone living outside my body would not understand the same way as the spark lining inside me. I have to find a way to both communicate carefully or just do what I feel in my heart is right.  Every support group  gives weight to the individuals choices.

I tell her that my cancer happened because of lifestyle choices I made. I did know better but was not treating the painful emotional historical causes to those choices. I knew I had adrenal exhaustion way back in the 1990’s when I was under the always gracious care of the great Tibetan Dr. Yeshia Dhunden. The seeds of my fight or flight grew in my continued stressed life of always having to fend for myself from the age of eight.  More about that in my biography if I ever get to sit and spin out my case of notes about myself in seven year blocks of time. I would not have such an excess of cortical molecules coursing in my blood stream.

Instead of addressing this chemical imbalance the doctors poked at me with their little rubber hammers and when I reacted  rather than using their expensive education to make my life better by showing me a process either through communication or medication, they labeled me  to one another and to my daughter.

When I told the woman in the Y shower that I had a part in my getting sick I could see her dismay and doubt. She did not want to know that a person could change their actions and change their life. I could see in that moment why doctors have the habit of witholding information. The actual maturity of most patients is missing from the dialogue. There is no love there between patients who have the heavy seeds of fear and their doctors who have a medical path which is more pressing than the medical nuancing for every single person.

My spiritual practice this week I have dedicated and has been to look at my reactions and interactions, with the eye of an observer, to see if I am hot or cool. There is a human balance where hot and cool reactions work each in the right time and in the right way in each situation.  I have determined that with this particular doctor who had refereed to our having a mutual friend caused me to mistake that she would be like him.  That was my first misjudgment mistake. Every doctor I asked for information deferred to the oncologist who was not forthcoming with anything other than I would get much worse.

My next step is to the Cancer Society to try and get a patient advocate for help in navigating the information divide.

In all my life and all the doctors I have seen in all of the different circumstances in a variety of institutions I have never been stone walled or labeled as I am currently.  I ponder how can I make this workable?  Is it possible to get proper treatment even after all the verbal volleys, follies, and moist dirt?

I really know that I am rare in that I actually want to know what is going on, How I contributed to this situation, and What we together, doctors and patient can do to create the breathable bell of resonant healing.   I will not be frightened away by the ghosts of other patients and their suitcases of deference and denial.

Dear Doctors and Friends, Please Help Me With The Real Information ….

I long for and need in order to heal and live well is a Sustained Relationship

For me I feel I need to be staying in touch with my relations for the loving and listening to create a shared communication about my care.

My real health grows out my heart felt effort in bestowing information about this pivotal study I am participating within for  information to next generations. I feel that all the information I share and and surrounded with is from the courage of the patients of breast cancer who have struggled in order to regain life and truly live. I am counting the days as I prepare to saunter into oklahoma for that heart You Honey medicine will offer/ given in Love. Love is the Way It is the Law and Love is all there is as we move into out paradigm path

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