Rewiring the System

Fear For Tomorrow

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 25, 2010
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It is a long shot anyway.  Do I have something that is going to hurt me or will I have a new lovely quality relationship with doctors?  I have to set my alarm clock for dawn.  I have to put out what I am going to wear tonight so I can jump and dash across the bridge.  Do I go alone or ask an advocate to be present as a buffer between what was and what will be.  Oh God! Being treated badly is the worse suffering.

My Questions: Will I get proper monitoring every week for the next few months?

What is going on inside my body and why do I have shooting pains across the upper left side of my breast at various intervals all day?

I would like more of the A & E cream.

Why was there no conversations with me before treatments started about amount of radiation?

This morning started after noon then off I went where I spent most of today at a social event for children and the child in all of each of us.  It is the small Oakland Makers Faire with all sorts of delightful projects to make and build from a pin wheel that will never spin to a gizmo that will turn off all televisions in any given area. I sat with the Linux Users Group table though I was just a warm body. I brought my cute little white  three or five year old acer which came preloaded with linux.

It was a purchase I was impelled to make after an afternoon in the San Jose area with a group of geeks and one man in a red fedora.

I can learn things that are beyond the physical perimeters of my existing brain matter.  I have had to learn a lot of things as if for the firat time since my big adventure with the linear part of my gray matter.  The incredibly complex life that I have living as I do in a modern world with all the multitasking. I have pressure of some sort on my hippocampus. This is an anatomical subdivision of the brain that somehow organizes memory. For me to learn a completely new computer operating system  is tough but good.  I am actually exercising by doing.

I am very tired just sitting there listening to their unique language and manner of specking about this primary computer program.   Mint 8 or 9 or 10 could it be 10.10, which should I choose? Ahhh not tonight but I am determined to let some of this open source system to enter my life because I am so tired of having anone who can construct a picture of who I am based on my computer usage.

I have managed not to have my situation with doctors be at the forefront of my thinking think. I just got an ear ful of what the oncologist told my daughter. This conversation turned my mental state up side down. I do not know who to trust and I know I must not grumble.  It is so difficult to harbor all these emotions while I am unbalanced from the radiation.  My nail beds are still infected so many days after the end of the anti biotics. I do not know what is causing this secondary infection.  My nails themselves are shredding day after day even though I use the nail file every other evening. What is the doctor going to say to me that is useable for my future?

This evening after the Makers Faire I went right to the Y to exercise some by walking and swimming. I do not know what I would be like if I did not become addicted to going to the Y every day. Even so my calfs are tight so that walking sends some painful quality that is as though I was standing on table legs.

I want to walk into my new life with grace and comfort.

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