Rewiring the System

Half Life Silence

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on October 31, 2010
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

There are very few moments of human warmth here in cyberspace. Don’t look for support here,  I am told. Why do I bother?  I am directed to cultivate the live people in my current environs. But I am in resting mode now so the digital is my avenue de jour.  Why do I look for emails and replies on this blog?   My German friend tells me: don’t take silence  So hard!

Though Nixon says the “People react to fear more than they react to Love” Gosh the Comedy Central ‘Rally to Restore Sanity and or Fear’ was very informative and entertaining.  I had a real issue with the Cat Stephan  ‘Joseph’, whatever, invite to sanity, since since he said publicly that He approved of the Ayatollah jihad against Salman Rushdie.

The Cat Joseph Islam person said publicly that he would kill Rushdie if he saw him and would kill him because his books are against Allah! Oh how soon the sheep forget!

Frankenstein!  I loved Elsa Maxwell in that flicker. One year I had paper mache fingers and wilded my hair with powder … this year I just allowed my Devil horns to sparkle in sprinkles of bright red sequins.  I am glad some of my readers wear Black and get their Goth Again! giggle… I never liked Halloween much since my birthday is November first. I have grown up with all the parties being about some christian based beliefs in boogies or whatever Wild Strawberries special scene in the 1957 film by Ingmar Bergman, and not about my coming into this world. Beth Brown sent me a nice welcome to this world card on that first day…  I long for a return to Sirius!

I feel it is time to choose sides.  Dark chocolate or Milk ?? I choose Ozzy every time.

Just a few words about my recovery and various emotions: I am circulating around the way people behave with me particularly, and with most of the desperate mass, who put up with anything, just not to be alone. I have communications with people I know from every walk of life who tell me stories of relationships they put up with Just Not To Be Alone!

The Artist in me rebells and longs for the time to ruminate. I have one wonderful friend who I LOVE! She is beautiful and brilliant and a pleasure to spend time with.  Tomorrow we are going out to lunch.. Where to take this most beloved friend?  My favorite place on the water at the Oakland marina at Jack London Sq or a new for her place on Solano and San Pablo?  She has her individual fear bassed qualities, and I try to support her as I can without trying to change her. I do not want to change her, any bird or butterfly.

The day that I first saw a butterfly wing under a microscope I was transformed.  I remember it in my minds eye with gratitude for having had that event.The wings are lines of tiny beveled shingles spun of the most delicate and moist velvet in stripes of the variations of the color communicated when the sun shines on the flutter. In my heart I gave thanks for this insight brought to me by this sight. I vowed to never harm or try to change a shingle on the wing of the butterfly. This transformed my dendrite activity to make a bond in my heart to do no harm. We are all one heart!

Thank you for listening whether you communicate back to me or not. I do long for your comments but I know they have to come when you have the time and we are all so busy. I feel so many people are too busy to build caring connections!

I am in a great deal of physical pain because of the half life of the radiation treatments. I find out about the half life thing from the physical therapist who is treating my edema which she mentions comes from the improper treatment of my secondary infection on my nail beds. Why did none of the doctors treat in a timely manner my infection and why did no one all this time tell me about any of the facts I got in simple conversation as she moved my arm. It was in the moving of my shoulder that gave her all these clues. I just am not getting pain management from the Motrin or the arthritis stuff that I got from an orthopedic doctor when I was in Kaiser and the dr’s at UCSF just refilled with out asking. I have runners knee! It is a harsh med on the stomach so it was recommended I take an anti acid purple pill. Rather than that I just will not take a medicine that gives me more troubles than what is positive.     I just took one of the last actual pain management meds based on morphine that I have from UCSF.   Ahhh just to have the throbbing stop is heaven! I will not be suffering from radiation half life or aftereffects for much longer so I wonder why the doctors are so mean spirited in treating my short term suffering?  I was told I will not get any more prescriptions because of the temper tantrum of the radiation doctor. Not me but the doctor shouting! That story is almost ready for full discloser.  What can I do to get medical service and attention that serves my needs without either rancor or clamor? Do I get to advertise for street drugs?  How funny is this question and commentary on my quality of service?

This therapist was a student at a high school during the year I taught at that high school. I had just graduated from college and she was in the early part of her high school experiences. I mentioned if she was there during the deodorant event and she started telling me the name of the gym teacher who started this uprising and more of her side of the story was such a delight. My listening was a bright moment in my otherwise ordinary day. I always look for the fun lurking in the crevices.  It started with her noticing my east coast accent. I mentioned that I lived in Valley Forge before traveling to California. Then the conversation turned to baseball. I of corse am a bigger sports fan than most woman and I had a chance to tell my thoughts on the world series play offs. I found that though I live in the bay area when push came to shove in my bones I am a Philly’s Fan over any California team.  Though I was born a Yankees fan because of levels of strings of reasons that all come together in the person of Steinbrenner! So the joyful stories of my life come alive from time to time and I remember that I have had an interesting life. The cancer scared me. The people in my real world have scattered or they attack me or worse they tell me stories about their problems. For these reasons the Memories from the ‘Deodorant Rebellion’ cause me to feel so good.

I do not know if a friend ship can develop between a service provider and a patient but she is the sort of woman who knows how to function in the give and take which creates real friendship and fun.

It seems that the fascia, that thin membrane that we pull off a section of skinned chicken since it gets tough in cooking, detracting from the taste of the surrounding meat, is injured. My connecting tissue was toughened by the placement of the radiation beam. I could feel it during treatments and was told to keep quiet since I was psycho or psychosomatic. I find out that the radiologist who said such things to me has a habit of shouting to customers and colleagues alike.

I was not given a choice at any point of the treatment. The only choice I had was to accept treatment at UCSF. Everything from that point felt like I was on a treadmill. I was a dead woman walking.

Now I think about sleeping with my head on your chest.  My spirit and my body will rest tonight in the spiritual truth that Love is all there is in the universe.

I stand within the family of one Warm Heart linage of the great Teacher, NR.


Awaken, O friend. A message has come.
Ended, thy rest.
Now I have learned where is guarded
One of the Sacred Signs.
Think of the joy if
One sign we shall find.
Before sunrise we shall have to go.
At night we must all prepare.
Look at the night-sky….
It is beautiful as never before;
I do not remember
Such another.
Only yesterday
Cassiopeia was sad and misty,
Aldebaran twinkled fearfully
And Venus did not appear.
And now they are all ablaze.
Orion and Arcturus are shining.
Far behind Altair
New starry signs
Are gleaming and the mistiness
Of the constellations is clear and transparent.
Dost thou not see The path to that
Which tomorrow we shall find?
The starry masses have awakened.
Take thy fortune.
The armor we shall not need.
The shoes put tightly on,
Tightly girdle thyself,
Our path will be stony.
The East is aflame.
For us
Is the hour.

Nicholas Roerich «The hour» (1916)

One Response to 'Half Life Silence'

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  1. angel said,

    About The Institute
    About Ilsa Bartlett
    Join the Institute
    Email: Ilsa Bartlett

    I invoke the Path and experience
    of universality, so that

    the Jeweline luminosity of
    my immortal mind

    be unfolded within the depths
    of the lotus-center of
    awakened consciousess

    and I be wafted by the ecstasy
    of breaking through all bonds
    and horizons.

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