Rewiring the System


Eeeenuf

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on November 3, 2010
Tags: , , , , ,

Advice, I have always contended, is like three week old laundry sitting in a back corner of the back closet. It is not something I would want to get or give. It is my responsibility to take care of my own laundry. I get good warm caring, seemingly lifting, comments from around the world, from people who are not in the room with me when and where I am living. They do not hear or see the venues, situations, or stories I have been bursting to share.

As Clint Eastwood said in “Unforgiven,” “deserve has nothing to do with it.”

I have to meet that generated sadness, that sense of not getting what I deserve, directly and abandon it’s storyline.  (I did not intend or know I am giving the impression of not getting ‘what I want’!  My issue is that I am not getting medical information at all, with the subsequent effect of not getting proper medical CARE. The fact of not having any possibility of dialogue with a doctor is and was the issue.) When I can do that, abandon my cancer story line,  I can become my own best friend and I will find that I am able to extend my warm heart to others in sharing and caring.  Two people just this morning, one on the phone and one face to face, tell me I am the most caring person they know!  At the point of giving up my disappointment of others may dissolve slightly and in an opened spacious moment, they, all the afore mentioned,  may actually be able to extend themselves to me similarly. I will think my world into existence!

In an email letter, today, I get a message that I have a ‘chip’ on my shoulder.  As long as I have this chip on my shoulder, I am told that people will avoid me.  There is a missing aspect to this sentence.  The Yo’ New York, says, ‘I’ is gonna use this old chip on my shoulder to smack up side the offenders head. I need Good care, which takes the person where they are and leads toward balance.

The radiation has an effect after the treatments stop.  I was not ever told the way I would feel. All I was told is that it will get worse. I feel I am in complete unchartered territory while living in a spiraling down turn which is dispiriting. I have to go to secondary services to get information I should get from the UCSF Doctors. I feel I am not getting good care because to the majority of doctors I have seen I am just a number. My friend said I should list the worst offenders on Yelp!  I will not do that today.

Sure, I am  lucky to be alive and that is the basis for my being able to be open to my self and to the world.

I truly believe that what is happening to me is a shared experience that many woman are having at the lower or lowest points of the cancer aventure or other illnesses have unbalanced physical, emotional, and mental perspectives.  We are all around our globe wondering where to get information and attention.

I have been expecting too much from myself. I am trying to go places and do things with people as I try and push myself out of the weariness.  For this morning I am going to try Radical Rest. Right now I am going to spend an hour breathing deeply and allow all the advice all the good intentions and broken promises drop down into the Mother Earth where she will put sufficient pressure on the dust and drivel to press junk into gems.

I am going to go back to bed and wait for the rain of goodness to sprout the seeds of my future. There is a time for looking at pictures under the electric lights…

Actually I never got to bed. I had to find and order the arm sleeve to correct the edema. I made the order and found that UPS treats their carriers better than Fed Ex. I did a computer search using a different search engin: http://us2.startpage.com/eng/

I am thinking about what I really need.  I need harmony.  It is harmony that supports Love. I have been looking for support from the outside.  Part of my waking up is that I have been supportive for other people all my life. I have been the ‘go to’ person. Now, I am feeling dead tired. I must make a change.  I am making a shift toward my inner life. Today I  going to watch the functioning of the world around me from the space of one deep breath in to fill all of my lungs right to the lowest inside tips and deflate my tummy all that vital air is released. Today I will focus on breathing.

People see me through their issues because they see themselves in some part of me.

I have a bunch of people who tell me I am  a light in their lives of gracious kindness and delight. There are some people who tell me I have a ‘chip on my shoulder’ which is general bad vibes.   I have this spin of people seeing the world through the lens colored by their injuries. The ones they have suffered meeting my injured parts which makes an intersection. So I am left, or right, in the middle, or out on the edge. It is getting on the new moon and great beginnings wil await. Will a real interest awaken and I will fly off in comfort being welcomed with doors, arms and heart opened?

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