Rewiring the System


Internet, Relational Trajectory


My internet has been down for the last two days. I am addicted to writing about my day here on this blog and have been denied this pleasure.

Yesterday, I spent several hours at the Hospital, getting treated to therapy to move the inflammation I incurred from the radiation.  It is a devine secret. Because I allowed cancer to grow in my body and it became invasive rather than staying in the duct, just in the ducts, I had HAD to have radiation. I wish I had said No to the radiation. I am so sick and whats more I hae been loosing my grip on the grounding in my life that I have taken for granted.

Yesterday, I went shopping for a sparkly LITTLE BLACK DRESS to wear to the prom, that is, if, I actually get to go to the prom.  I have been asked and I have been looking forward to the Prom. Prom Tuesday. I thought the ticket was all filled out but it has not arrived.  I have the dress and shoes.

When I was at the check out with my sparkling LITTLE BLACK DRESS I was asked for my identification along with my credit card. My drivers license was not in my wallet. I had no idea that it was missing!  I do not know what other cards are missing.  Imagine that!  Is it the general stress or the effects of the illness that has disconnected my mind from the things I need in my every day reality so much so that I do not notice my own wallet?

I am very grateful to the cashier at Nordstrom for her graciousness in communicating about my license. The fact that I was walking around with the most propionate card missing and did not notice it was shocking! It was a gentle wake up call to the fact that things fell out of my wallet!  I came home and dumped out my satchel bag and searched in the car and everywhere. I was at a loss as to where the drivers license could have gone.  It added to my stress as all of you know that having to go to the DMV is very crazy stressful under any and all situations.

I got a ride to the Hospital this morning from my ‘Pool Guy’ friend. He stepped up when he heard I did not have my drivers license. He has been a really good friend in the months since we met at the pool. Our friendship began as a inspiration to get to the Y regularly. It is amazing to have a person to look forward to meeting to talk and exercise together. I have Nurse Nancy and Mr. Summer and now after the passage of time look forward to meeting in the wild wetness. All the rhythm and friendliness really got off the ground after The Pool Guy and I started talking regularly.  It seems that he is a really nice normal guy and all the guys liked him.  I gave him a reason to care more about his infirmities and he gave me the great gift of friendship.   He showed me how to go on line for the DMV. It turns out that I HAD to go to the actual DMV office and fill out a form and give them money in person.

My girlfriend, Pearl, A Gem Among Woman, decided to call me at the very moment.  The moment I was holding my keys to rush out into the constant rush hour at the DMV. She called to check in and find out how I am/was.  As I was talking to her I picked up a letter, an actual snail mail letter and opened it … It was my drivers license!

We had gone out last week on the 28th of October, my friend P. and I, went for a shared birthday bite at my favorite restaurant in Oakland. I love ‘Scotts’ in Jack London Square.  It is always good and is right on the water with a beautiful soulful view of that city next door to Oakland.  It seems that I dropped my card or cards all the way back then! I did not know I was driving around sans credential to drive.  That fact turns my stomach and makes me feel so out to sea. Send me a huggable life raft!

Each of us, as individuals, are nothing if we do not have an opened honest heart ready to be trusting and trustworthy. Intellect and knowledge go just so far. Love is a heart function. My heart is a flame with tender interest in people. The internet and Facebook is icy – on, off,  without touching, without the smell of pheromones, without hiding or exposing the body. I am so grateful to the family who sent me my drivers card. Complete strangers have opened my heart by being extraordinarily honest as well as reaching out beyond their normal boundaries.

I open the snail mail letter and it is my drivers license and a really nice note.  The letter was mailed form another part of the state of california! The couple were staying at the Waterfront Hotel on the water at the Jack London Square. They saw the license and picked it up and mailed it to me! I am so grateful. I was saved from the DMV!

I look forward to sending the family who sent me my drivers license a thank you note… Love between human beings!

The doctor today told me I am suffering from ‘Post Traumatic Stress’ Syndrome!  I feel so lost in a mindless quality, unable to function, and not knowing the everyday  I have great respect and empathy for all the soldiers returning from the various was zones.

Being more exposed directly to the actual physical and mental aspects of Traumatic Stress has opened my heart to the changing quality of American life.  I can not believe what the very fabric of towns and cities is being torn apart. I was raised to care about this country from my immigrant parents. They loved this country because America saved their lives directly. If my Mother and Father were about to be killed by the Russian Revolution.  I am hopeful that we all as Americans, not Black or White, not rightwing or left, not tea baggers of liberals but as individuals interested in people who believe something different than what we do. I do not see how we can avoid some terrible difficulties if we are not able to listen and perhaps understand another person position on any subject.

The other day I was listening to a friend over lunch talk about his libertarian litany, I quoted John 18 and (18:4) ‘Whom are you seeking’, (19:36) My Kingdom is Not Of This World, if it were my people would rise up and fight,so that I should not be delivered, But now my Kingdom is not from here! ‘   I am my Brothers Keeper, I tell my friend, I believe in taxes especially from those who have more to give. I feel it is important to gladly pay taxes so that those in our society who do not have a public voice can be cared for by the National Body Politic.

I have many friends who have not been dealt the easy life cards.  One student of mine in my very first teaching position is moving this month because he does not have enough money to pay the next rent. Though I have very little cash at this stage since I used my savings for three very good reasons, I am still able to serve those who often cannot help themselves. The painful experience of hungry dirty mentally ill people walking and sleeping on our town streets should ring compassion along with the workable plans to return people to asylums and other places they can be cared for just in the same way that the SPCA takes injured animals and find then good homes. Cities and towns need a flow of funds from taxes to serve all the residents of that area. Some of the needy who are well helped will get on their feet then in turn will serve others. It is a chain reaction. In that instant we are absorbed as a body strong and able to do more for others than we can do singly.

The glory of the Change of time when the savings time falls back is a signal that the world enters a less outer lit phase. We who have lights in our hearts must turn on the flame in our being and become a light in the lives of others as we move around the many grades of our material world.

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