Rewiring the System

Inner Flight Without Full Metal Vehicle

Inner Flight Without Full Metal Vehicle

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on November 9, 2010 Edit This
Tags: Love, meditation, heart centered, inner travel, why?, just plain dumb, Butterfly,Future, Cancer Treatment, heart ache

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Yes, I am here in Berkeley. I have not taken flight! I feel the lightness of being in my heart but my body cannot fly without a ticket and opened arms into which I would curl comfortably.

Because of the radiation and the general confusion in my life without an advocate I am unable to separate the real truth and the fabrication. I actually believed that I would be on a plane to meet a very special man. But the ticket did not arrive.

My intersection of time and space the last three-plus months have been overly complex. It is like life in an Operatic Drama. My character is being played by Dame Joan Alston Sutherland. She is one of the most remarkable female opera singers of the 20th century, she was dubbed La Stupenda after a performance of the title role in Handel’s ‘Alcina’.  I could tell it was her voice just like anyone can tell the difference of the individual voice of Sinatra and Elvis, for an example. Dame Joan possessed a voice of beauty and power, combining extraordinary agility, accurate intonation, pinpoint staccatos, a splendid trill and a tremendous upper register. I felt from the beginning that Sutherland had the “Voice of the Century”. Perhaps my heart’s desire, the Man from the digital universe, is being played by Luciano Pavarotti or Andrea Boccelli, though he is blind he sees clearly about relationships.

The chorus stands arrayed just in front of the towering old growth trees, humming the background sound of the shimmering ever flowing universe, Aaaaaa Oooooooo Mmmmmmmmm. My heart remains opened and my mind aware of my desires driving the system. Oh desire! If it were not for all the accumulated desires of all the individual cells in all the many forms and thought forms, what would be here?

My memory is awash from the local trauma of suddenly finding out I have cancer, getting the cancer out, and all the ensuing decisions I have had to make on the fly. Do this or that means I had to think on the fly and I have not been grounded in my usual ‘enough time’ to think before I act.

I have been doing too much.  The result is further unbalance in my memory and form life. I have just started sorting the stuff that accumulated because I was not able to open and read my mail while I was going to my treatments. Now it is over 30 days since my last radioactive zap. I feel the push to pick up the pieces of my life and find what I really need.

The good things that came from planning this trip remain good.  I have a spectacular little lacy black dress that I never would have shopped for or purchased. I do not shop unless I need something. I have all the clothes I need for my regular life but for a special event which includes going to a Mozart festival in Oklahoma, I needed a new and sparkling dress. So though I do not know if the Mozart will happen (I imagine I will get a ticket in the near future), I have a new great dress.  I got a great hair cut which makes me feel nice. It is wonderful taking care of myself. So this is another great aspect of the planning: in the throes and confusion I had a reason for good self-care.
I got all my better clothes taken care of at the dry cleaner. This is huge since most of the time I take one or three things to be cleaned at a time. Now all my good sweaters and my favorite Japanese designer dress are clean and waiting to be worn. It feels wonderful knowing that everything is in readiness for life.  I actually hope he comes to visit me here in marvelous sophisticated San Francisco Bay Area. If not I will have the residuals of this process.

I do not love lightly, yet I was drawn into feeling deeply for a person I have never actually met face to face! Wonder of wonders, how did this happen? Simply the best!

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