Rewiring the System


Stress From Cancer

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on November 27, 2010
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Post traumatic stress from cancer.
Yes, I now understand.
We are standing on the shoulders of those who have  survived this surgery.  Is it possible to recover and return to my mental state before this trauma?  I was not supported when I was in my most helpless and ill state. The scars of personal mistreatment will be with me.
Is this why support groups are important. I need clinical help. I asked for clinical help repeatedly. I was not helped. In spite of the medical training of the group of doctors what they call ‘my team’ wrote about me. They did not talk to me but talked about me! They wrote things that reflect their inadequacy and disinterest in my health.
I am angry about a society that would allow medical professionals to do such character assassination to cover the mistakes they made in my positioning, quality of care, and  follow up. They have no interest in taking responsibility and will not be accountable.
I feel I am disposable person to the Hospital I choose.  I am a number in a research study. I have not been told the name of the study or any of the information. I want the information in the spirit of sharing. The leaders of this hospital is allowing this system of care. If I want to be informed I am a problem. I want to read be informed and take action in my health care.
I want to help create the change I want for myself and for all those interested patients.  I was actually told by one of the doctors in ‘my team’ that being a patient means being quiet. I was told that I was not quiet therefor doctors were ‘afraid’ of me! Afraid of what?

Here I am healing or surviving from the shock of finding out that I had cancer is a mental health issue. My mental health is being challenged.  It is a trauma.
This trauma is not understood or supported by the general society
People who come from well formed functional families have a completely different trajectory.
I come from a dysfunctional family so I did not able to make a good choice for a mate, and as best I could I tried to give functionality and unconditional love to my child.  Since she did not get functional caring and genuine love from her father life is hard for her.
I have not been able to create the Love I Need to Survive.
I have gone over the line and have become different. Cancer like being in combat in a war zone changes a person. I am forever different. I am hurt. It is the darkness that we know! I am too sensitive to the full throttle of experiences.
Some people can close the gap after facing the trauma because they have love. Some few humans in this world have a family around to help with all that we all go through. There is work in relationships but in times of need the real love from people who truly care make all the difference.
I am surrounded by people in my world by people who look at me and do not want to see what is really going on in my mind and heart.
How do I get reintegrated in the flow of life from my slippery precarious toe hold on this floating splinter careening along and feeling all alone. I feel so alone. I listen to the words people say and am struck how little of what would really make me heal and feel supported has happened to materialize. I feel a whole heart ache that feels like a big punched bruise right in the middle of my chest. Tonight I sat at a restaurant next to a man who told me about the hole in his chest and though I did not tell him how I was actually empathizing, I felt my own hole in the place where my heart would be.
Why do I have a digital friend. I look forward to this contact and I cant fully understand what is real and what is consensual imagination. What his strategy will be? He feeds me in a funny way. We started to talk more than six months before I got the cancer shocking news. So we have learned about one another in a really old world way by writing back and forth. I am now feeling digital relationships are fulfilling but hard on my tender nervous system.
I have a hard time imagining the medical team, the doctors who should know, are not being aware of the traumatic effect of their lack of attention and proper actions on me particularly and patients in general.  I am so weary of being treated badly.
It could be that I was taken care of because I told them I did not have a safe family support and because I am new to this coast I do not have a network of committed people who care about me more than what I can do for them. I do not have people who are ready, willing, and able, to care for me in any loving truly supportive way. People I know say nice words but the talk does not cook the rice!
I choose UCSF out of  a mirage misguided false public relations image. How come they can not clame responsibility for their actions? I am so emotionally injured from my contact with many of the people at the Breast Cancer Center, but certainly not all. There is a section of support that truly helped me make it through the hardest and darkest part of my radiation treatments. I do not know if other cancer centers have a Friend to Friend resource. I think I would have committed suicide if not for the best face forward given to me when I had no other helping hand.
I feel the medical ‘team’ must get training in deep listening: a willingness to say ‘Tell me about your experience’, and listen. This is an Obligation we have as a society is to listen to one another.
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