Rewiring the System

Letting IN The Light

Sitting here alone, in my room, I am letting ‘in’ the light though my broken crushed heart. If I survive this section of my life I will be amazed.  I just do not know how much more I can stand.  Everyone I know tells me stories made of words with no follow through or manifestation of words into actions or form.

People are only as good as their word!  I want to stay on the side of light and love and truth. I sit here watching the 2008, Star Wars: The Clone Wars was released. I look at this Star War movie wondering about becoming a Jedi princess. Star Wars features elements of Knights, and Princesses that are related to archetypes of the fantasy genre. Right now this is my Fantasy. The Star Wars world,  is portrayed as dirty and grimy. My world is grimy on the inside. I need to be mindful of the force of my ability to imagine truth and beauty in my entire  24 hour life.  All I want is Love.  Can I have the One? I can attract and enjoy the One I want.   Understand what I need in good man, a man worthy of my time, A man I am proud to be with, a man I love with every cell of my body. I undertand what causes my heart to bleed! People do you know what it means for one person to leave a woman, this person. I was left alone all by myself?  Not even a call on my telephone! I need a little loving understanding…. Loving is all I need. He has not been there and my being alone caused my heart to bleed.

Ten of Wands
Overburdened. Load too much to bear for one person. Everything now settled and in place. Cycle complete and order can be maintained. A gathering of all pieces and putting them away in completion. No more discussion, it is done and finalized. A monument to hard work materializes and stands testament to perseverance. What was begun is now done!

I am overcome by sad situations or drowned in emotions. Is  this the goal. In so doing, I try to reach and remain in the state of great equilibrium, balanced between honoring being by myself and feeling lonely for human contact and

My birthday is just a short time ago and for some reason I cannot get out of my mind that some people and myself are really not clear.  People say that they care for me yet choose not to send a card or make any effort to send me in form the meaning of the words.  My heart hurts so much that it is as close to a heart attach as I can imagine.

Yesterday I was so low I went out for an appetizer. Sitting next to me a person talked to me about the pain in his being. I told him I was feeling grouchy. That I have a tendency to be a teensy-weensy bit on the argumentative side today. I guess one hole in the heart is just like any other hole in every heart. He was a chance meeting at a favorite restaurant. He is the most mannerly person I have met in the last several months. Being treated well in a true mannerly way is not the same as a date. I am glad I met this man in the simplicity for what it is. I am a truthful person, but others do not want to hear the truth. I have the willingness to stay and face the music. I will not run from this situation just because I am uncomfortable. Someone needs to know I am dissipating into the hole. They have the wrong idea about me. Will they set things right? Who actually cares? I cannot believe that I was not sent a birthday present! I can’t function because I have an idea that there is a person I have interest in yet it is just such a stretch in linear miles as to perhaps be unrealistic. Where is the fun?

Five of Swords
You’ve suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don’t need anyone’s approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.

I just am so tired. Today a person flew in to take me to lunch to help me yet the conversation was all about them. At the end of the evening I asked if there was anything he wanted to say about me. It did not give him a clue that the whole time was all about what was on his mind! It is yet another example of people who say they want to give me a helping hand but have their own issues on their mind. I am not one to make an issue during lunch!  I had a nice lunch. I loved the fresh oysters. Yet I feel drained and not energised from the contact.  I was on automatic service response. I long for a friend where dialogue and not monologue occurs. Sure I should not say anything. But I want to shout from the rafters: Eeeeenough! And who among you, my readers, cares enough to give me a call?

Four of Swords
A time of repose and solitude. Get away from everything and take a vacation for your mind and spirit. Your body is exhausted as you have been trying to do too much. Time to stop and think about where you are headed in life. A time of stability. Relaxation. Your body needs to heal before you continue. Listen to what you inner voice is telling you.

‎”When you have reached the point where you no longer expect a response, you will at last be able to give in such a way that the other is able to receive and be grateful. When Love has matured and, through a dissolution of the self into light become a radiance, then shall the Lover be liberated from dependence upon the Beloved, and the Beloved also be made perfect by being liberated from the Lover.”

~Dag Hammarskjöld


5 Responses to 'Letting IN The Light'

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  1. It sounds to me like you are not getting the support you need, but giving up is not an option. I wish more guys were not so clueless when it comes to *including* the woman in the conversation! ~ John G

  2. badthing said,

    I agree with John G. You are important, viable and beautiful and I know that these are just words upon a computer from people’s hearts but please know that they do mean that people care about you and the way that you are feeling, Ilsa.

  3. Mark said,

    May you Ilsa Bartlett enjoy happiness and the root of happiness
    May you be free from suffering and the root of suffering
    May you not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering
    May you dwell for all time in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression and ignorance

    • Thanks, Nice to get your comment. I corrected three of your spelling words

  4. From Mystery School:
    I was sad to read your post. How can I help you? For starters, I would like to honor the day of your birth. Happy Birthday! A bit late, but sincere. Thank you for coming to Earth at this most challenging time in human history to anchor your unique light and perspective. Thank you for helping to create the Great Shift. Just by being here, you are uplifting the whole. Even when you are sad or angry! Even when standing in line at the grocery store. Because your heart is so good. I can see it! Golden! Beautiful!

    You are doing a great service by sharing your words in an honest and heart-felt manner. It gives other people permission to be honest and vulnerable, too. Thank you for sharing yourself in this way.

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