Rewiring the System


Have You Made Your New Year Resolution?

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on December 29, 2010
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Educate myself and others as I go with humor into life and inspire the many who are afraid of themselves, that is my wish for my new year. My resolution is to be with people who want the best for me and want to be with me as good things happen.

I wish to be a light in the midst of gradations of darkness to help all the persons who have come into my life one way or the other and who have hurt me deeply mostly by name calling and general unintentional no or inattention. Saying they would be here Saying they would call Saying they would help when I so needed a helping hand, and in the end the Love you take is equal to the love you make.

I wish to be a friend. I wish to be bound together by love care and compassion. I get a phone call last week, when I was at a very low point. In fact I was so low that I could not reach out to the world I could not write on this blog in fact I had to try and force myself to remember to wash my face and brush my teeth. It was the time when the least attention was sent my way.

I was home alone all alone day after day  The residuals from the surgery and treatments shoot constant pain from just under my shoulder rendering my left arm useless. I hurt not just from the incision but from the draining quality of being weary and tired all but for an hour or so around noon. and the broken heart weariness where my feet slide along could have been snapped out bu just a small amount of caring loving attention.  I never knew how few people care if I live or I die.

I know understand that I must carry myself . I had hoped to find a companion to discuss the situations and build stories that create pattern and make pathways into the future, Now I am resigned to the crumbs which arrive at the will when there is a free moment to remember that I am in this world. I am not depressed, I am recovering from a shock and surgery and treatments which I had to attend all alone except for 8 days out of 70 days. I have been doing all the things I was told not to d. But I had no choice since there was no one to ask.

I have faith in the flow of loving energy that is the builder of life itself. I have faith that having faith is a beginning of receptiveness, yet I am so terribly sad. I know that if I do not like a thing, person or direction of events I do not have to be any thing or any one to be a proper citizen in my life. My Face My Mind My Muscles all standing for the integrity. Fondly do I hope and with found reverence do I pray say inward timber of sound demanding that I wake up and stop killing myself.

I guess all my friends were strangers. The dangers and the demons because I am emotionally overcome by wave after wave of more detailes than I can properly attend to takin care of. I am tired. Send me a support perhaps on the light flight of silver wings

I heard a word yesterday that I did not expect to here in this century, The word was so much part of the weight of the last hundred years. I hear it in use on a tv show this evening…I am jonesing for a fight or there they are jonesing for a deal. My deal is an addiction to sugar. The sugar is what allows unbalance to sprout dis comfort in the cells with the globs and strands of sugani n its forms and slime plaque around my teeth and inserting itself in all my tissue muscle and nervous connections. It is the special paste to bring down the Human family, yes the whole human family. We are doing this death dance to ourselves. For myself I do not have the will forces to continue to live alone.

Being alone has had wonderful ribbons strewn to roads that led to lingerings wherereading Machiavellian machinations brings clarity to the levels people have gone to make me feel small and marginalized.

I am not dead. Being alone day after day or to fine spending time with a person who when I asked a question Told Me that I would not ask if I respected her. It is like asking what is the book you are reading and the reply is You do not respect me and Do Not Call or Email Me Again Ever Again.  Gosh Why do I want to take a change with those beings who call themselves human?  I have to feel that the best of times is now and that new normal people will be attracted to my genuine interest. A person tells me that they will call as soon as their phone call is over and it becomes two day pass. I feel not important to this spark planted deep inside my soul. I am so sad. I do not know if I can manage to do more than go through the pases. I was told that this is an important time to make new friends. So drop me a note and lets take a chance… Will he call tonight? Call, Will it happen? How important am I to him? As important as ….. write me with your heart felt thoughts and perhaps a visit or a suggest one of your friends writes to me and meet.

Being at home in our selves, together! This season and the winter chill stirs my desire for warmth. Do you wonder, as I do, where and when Love will come? Does Craigslist have a complex pallet of possibility to bring us together?
I am stepping out from my social introspection….
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to fall in love?
I am a creative though introspective redhead who is five foot seven inches tall and about one hundred eighty-five pounds of curvy delight in life. I am interested in a real man with a working brain and a warm heart. I value honesty and integrity. Please be a few inches taller ….
I have light blue eyes that can turn to aqua or green when looking at the sunset. Poetic, and scientific, artistic and easy going. I watch sports and love live music. I am here working and find that I want a companion to reach out into life together.
Let us meet for a drink, perhaps see a film or get a bite to eat and talk.
Your picture will get mine.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.
~Cicero

 

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6 Responses to 'Have You Made Your New Year Resolution?'

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  1. I have been told that I am vomiting Neurotic words and I myself need to be iced and clear. I am exclaiming pain in the possibility of finding pleasure. I have been unable to think for more than a week. I guess I am not understood under the Shanbhala u just like me being one person.. He is just one Tommy Lammie…. I look forward to the mental clarity that flowed prior to my unbalance.

  2. Brenda said,

    The search for connection is what we all share. Seems like we all search and search, either for understanding, acceptance, love or knowledge. I don’t think it is easy for anyone and especially hard for those who keep searching and don’t feel like they are finding. My best thoughts are with you, Ilsa. I hope you have good results and it won’t always be like it is now


  3. “Then it is kindness that makes any sense anymore,
    only kindness that ties your shoes
    and sends you out into the day
    to mail letters and purchase bread,
    only kindness that raises its head
    from the crowd of the world to say
    It is I you have been looking for,
    and then goes with you everywhere
    like a shadow or a friend.”

    Naomi Shihab Nye
    from “Saved by a Poem” by Kim Rosen

    Wishing you a glorious holiday season and a happy new year,
    with much kindness your way along the path.

  4. jodie said,

    it is hard when we are at our lowest to ask for help and have it rejected… it is at these times when we are meant to carry ourselves as you have discovered… do not take personally what others say or do, it is more about them than it is about you… you have to believe that right now you are perfect… and that the perfect person for your life lessons will come into your life… all in perfect timing… the others that are around would not serve your higher self in its journey of truth and self discovery… be kind to yourself and allow yourself some space to just be 🙂 love and light.. jodie


  5. thank you. I want so much to survive this aspect of my time as a biped


  6. – and probably this critic does not even write. fuck them. pardon my crudeness. Critics are usually anal retentive buttholes with no creativity themselves, they just tear down.


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