Rewiring the System

Still Not Able To Asleep

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on February 27, 2011
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I am shivering with robust Pain!

I have done No real writing theses days of Kidney pain.  This is driving me to scream into a towel with the bathroom door closed. What is this pain? Why have I not been told my any doctors that Lymphodema can attack kidneys?  I ask my Grandmother Angel to Have It Removed!

I have been told to go to the doctor and to the hospital by myself . My primary care doctor told me she did not know what was wrong with me! I am amazed that the Cancer Community waits until you  call. Someone in the system seems to believe that patients who are all alone have the time and energy to contact them. The Cancer groups send oceans of paperwork to fill out precisely in order to get any services. I am overwhelmed. I was having trouble but now with this new terrible lightening sharp pain I am floored.

I wonder why the Cancer Resources are not sent the names of patients from the Breast Cancer Centers. That the process for support is not an impossible route which I am traversing now. I am sure I am not the only person who has little connections and few or no family members to do simple things to provide a helping hand. If you read this and you have time and energy Please reach out to me or reach out to a friend or family member who is unable to ask directly.

No real writing theses days of Kidney pain that is driving me to scream into a towel with the bathroom door closed. What is this pain? Have it removed!

I find that the various pills given me for the different levels of management after the surgery and during the radiation worked then but not now. The Lymphodema has sent scurrying radiated lifeless cells to every joint as they traveled around my lymph system near the skin then sinking into the ducts that empty into my kidney. I cant move my left foot on an angle in the way anyone else would sway in a turn toward that step away from the last mark.
People places things are one event that holds a finite moment. I am trapped by the pain. Moving on to the next place is crushingly hard with the heat spreading out from the lightning knife in my side.
I find that no one cares. Everyone has their lives and labors, The fantasy of tenderness sparkles just outside the range of my reality. I have been called formidable by not one but two persons. They both used the exact word. Those conversations made me very sad. Formidable has a complex personality: she was described as intelligent and devout. The Russian word Groznyi” used as a name, which, although usually translated as “Terrible”, actually means something closer to “Great” and carries connotations of might, power and strictness rather than any actions of danger, horror or cruelty.

I will see what the reactions of the
prattlers are on my body and mind depleted by pain. I Use a mental practice to surround myself with a certified diamond like Chess Rook when I am with people to keep the dross out of my heart, mind, and body. This is a practice that I have as a creative woman developed during my waining years of my dysfunctional marriage.

I have not found the inner heart centered mental protection for the sharp constant pain. Time to take another pill and turn under the covers. Will I be able to get into bed? Will every turn shock me into a wide awaking?? I can not turn my wrist to open the pills. Will I sleep sitting up again? The pain medications are not tempering my wit!



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