Rewiring the System

Risk Authenticity

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on April 12, 2011
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My individual vulnerability ‘factor’ longs for a symbiotic relationship. This involves finding my twin self; A person with whom I can be truly vulnerable and not feel in danger of being injured or unwanted. I am taking the necessary risk. I mention risk in the context as a wondrous hope. I want to hope, a wondrous possibility of union, heart and soul that allows me to live the peace I feel in my heart. Be the life I want to live.  It is peace inside and out. I want to send my heart energy out with no obstructions from my personality. Oh the desires that my personality generates. Are these desires authentic? The emotions we produce are authentic. I am waiting for you.

Today I met with a terrific Linux Uber Digital ‘Mavin’. When I look into his eyes I see his understanding of digital thinking just in individual slices going from the sort I use way back to the products very creation. I was impressed.  He made my doing a network communication integration easy. He did it in less than a minute!  Seamlessly with one or two clicks and it was finished. I had tried to get help and was sent a list of the steps but I could not follow them by myself. My eyes glazed over after the third or fourth step. I just could not understand how to work this computer system!  I misunderstand the exacting step necessary in some computer ‘stuff’.

Do I have a choice? Not really, I am not going to learn precise steps. I am more comfortable in the grander of Infinite possibilities. I enjoy starting with the widest view. When I read that Rudolph Steiner started nursery school education with conversations about the cosmos I was hooked.  In the intervening years I fought against my natural informal integrative approach and this caused me untold stress. Last Monday I was told that I must have had long term cortisol overload.  Cortisol(hydrocortisone) is a steroid hormone, or glucocorticoid, produced by the adrenal gland. It is released in response to stress and a low level of blood glucocorticoids. Its primary functions are to increase blood sugar through gluconeogenesis; suppress the immune system; and aid in fat, protein and carbohydrate metabolism. I am exhausted and tired. Because of this chemistry I react to events with an uncomfortable stance.

Why I am not comfortable? Authenticity refers to the truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions. I have over the years built shells of knee jerk reactions to protect my tender inner self. My emotional snow globe sends particle sparkles from the slightest touch of a sent thought, spoken word or any sort of communication contact.  I want to a find particular way of dealing with the external world, being faithful to internal focus rather than external input.

Last Monday I found out that the chemical composition in my blood stream was seething with cortisol. That allowed the cancer to develop. If I want to be cancer free I have to live with people and get along by allowing the love to surround and support me.  No one can feel it for me.  I am ready to Risk it all!


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