Rewiring the System


I was not loved as a child. Watching TV last night, I heard a person, I believe it was Clay Aiken, on the Trump celebrity contest speaking so frankly about his experience of being unloved. It made me rigid. I sat up straight and listened with both my ears and heart. Certainly, this was a shared tinsel rigid reaction connecting collectively many people watching this show last night.

I was unwanted accident which caused my parents to divorce. They were the original Yuppie Couple. My mother was a successful stock broker with a corner office at 2 Penn Center Plaza. She managed a pool of ‘worker bee’ men in the adjacent opened room with many desks. My father was career Army Intelligence who felt it was not safe to have children in his line of work. When they married both agreed that they did not want children. Then the power of their passionate relationship with one another speed the sperm into the little miss muffet waiting egg.  My mother was 54 and my father was 10 years her senior. Surprise. I found myself in a family where no preparation for another human would be accommodated. They did not want anything to come between them.

At four years old I remember going through the attic and My Mother going on about how the diaphragm did not work and how I ruined her life! I did not understand what her words meant but the ice of her meaning cut my heart. It was the first of many heart breaks in my life.  When my Grandmother died I was put in horrid foster care. My mother took me to the court and had me declared an ‘Incorrigible Child’. That means she thought I was a criminal. I was eight years old! I have turned inside and developed a series of personality veneers to cover up my tender sweet self. I decided to love myself as best as possible and turn my attention to the truth that guided the universe.  Peace through Culture!

I met the last living leader of the Anasazi when the happy sweet couple came to meet HHDL in 1991 in NYC.  “Anasazi” is Navajo for “Ancient Ones” and true to this linage I feel a great heart connection to this group of Original Americans.  My father worked with the Navajo Nation in the late 1930’s until the end of the second world war in 1945. I remember the houses as I spent time in the house of the Chief. I was glad to find this picture which gives a visual to my personal memory:

In the central parts of the Navajo Nation, near the Black Mesa (Arizona), roads are often poorly maintained, and are sometimes in nearly unusable condition after very heavy rains.

I am glad to have touched the soil at the threshold of this Navajo Nation house. It connects me with the great flow of humanity around the globe. But the natural Animal Love for one another is something I had to pattern for myself as I watched family action in different situations in my travels. I never knew what it felt like to be truly loved unconditionally. It was the one thing I was sure I wanted to convey to my child from the very beginning.  Love is all there is. I look forward to this unconditional human caring.


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