Rewiring the System


Disquisitive Digestion


Ask me a question about the meaning of life and I can answer based on my personal experience, with all the insight of years of training. I saw the writing on the wall.

The weariness with life, my unloved existence, and low self esteem, which started  to push me out of the comfort of my night time bed in my ninth year. In the outside world there was daylight and I walked through the darkness striding toward the dawn. Year after year, since that primary night, I have been restless and deeply irritated about the pain of existence, the harsh difficulties of living in a body,. ‘This is life’, I say to myself, this is what it is. Life,  which forever shifts with frightening swiftness has no regard for my  personal dreams or desires.  Do I have a dream, a desire or a plan? Stuff happens to me in a web of layer cake proportions with thin sections of sweet icing holding the granular stable mix.

Chocolate layer cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate shavings

I was alone to love myself, to see and nurture the spark of life and secure my light in the world,  a small flame from my heart outward.  I, as Athena, at war with my circle of family, unwanted from my birth by both my Mother and Father,  with no friends who took up the existential yet holy grail wore armor.  The hard plates over my heart, body, and mind to this day, are a persona to shelter my tender introverted truth.

Athena, Born fully grown and ready for the rigor of battle

I first took that first long walk from Sixth and Mifflen Streets in South Philadelphia.  On that walk to nowhere, I slipped out of my Grandmothers home several hours after midnight and walked toward the Delaware River.  The city was curtained in an indigo darkness unknown today. The stars sparkled, dazzled and comforted my child’s mind . Stars, held together with stories of constellations, myths about an epic past that shined on my every step  I just walked between the moral axis of the real life and the one I constructed to cover the pointless pain of my prisoner-ship of childhood.

Athena in NYC at the Occupy Wall Street protest, November 2011

How wonderful to imagine it was last weekend!  My story actually starts a lifetime ago, when rock and roll, the military–industrial–congressional complex, and Ilsa were all in their infancy. Perhaps you will be interested in one or more of my weeks. Both backwards to the birth, my birth, in a welcome to the world with all the material to be reformed and purified, and forward into the unraveling of my life. The request to spin the story is in service to survival. How did I survive?

I look at Life from two sides now that I want to live again.  The story starts with all the darkness intact. I have been so weary mentally though I have posted about stones. The personal point has not surfaced. I need something, though I do not know what it is that will release the tension on that tight plug which keeps my life stories pent up and not penned out.

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