Rewiring the System


Something is tearing at my tender heart, it is a condition of life. I am reading a new book, Trauma, by the noted author Mark Epstein.IMG_20130827_210128


I warn you all that the font used is very small so you have to hold the book differently and really concentrate on reading. This book is helping me see as I struggle to move forward. I went to his book tour a few days ago. It was a real insight from a psychological view. His talk was very practical.  Mark spoke from his experiences of eating mindfully as a simple act of not putting more food into your mouth until you have completely finished chewing and swallowing the first bite. My taste buds are singing as they send the good impulses to my brain which then tells my mind/body that good food is fuel for delight.



Then there is the physical brain, amygdala, over active that is the touchy function of our body mind system. This is the sentnal communicator of stress. One step at a time to turn your attention to the impulses is to turn toward Kindness; Be Kind to yourself.

Ask yourself, what does being kind to myself look like at this intersection. Find what will let you feel you are being Kind To Yourself and Do That Action. Being Kind to yourself is a source of awakening. Kindness is a light on this place you and I are going through, today in the here and now

Our understanding that living with and through a Trauma is NOT Fun. This is a source of connection that allows us, you and I, to care about each other and send our caring support out to all our friends and family.

Last night I painted my toenails. I have not done this in months. I just want to tip toe today with a small caring sparkle.

Emotions are as real as a table, sometimes hard and heavy, “without the hurt the heart is hollow”.


I Can Tell When Truth Happens…

I Can Tell When Truth Happens: Yet, I have been tossed down a horrible path. There is my tender heart lives believing what people say to be true. I actually am in shock because I have experienced the  no-shows to appointments broken at the very last minute.

The trouncing of my soul solution since the Xmas Holidays is attacking my unconscious mind. Yesterday I get the medical attention from a prominate doctor who examines my body also asking me many questions. She concludes that I am in deep trauma/shock.

I feel I am part of a shared illusion. The doctors want to nudge me to let out how I feel about the trauma stacked inside my heart and internal organs.  I have felt the arrows prick from the Yes/No more intensely and more dramatically from family and friends form the last several months. I am now working at catching myself in this slippery spiral.

The marvels of life is all spread out before me. All that I can learn from my extraordinary everyday activities in relation to others in a world of people. How do I react? It seems that lately I am making plans with horse blinders narrowing my view. Do people afford me information with any regularity that will bring me my goal? I no longer recognize situations for what they really are.

How happy am I in real time in this here and now? This has finally backed up into my real health problem. What prevented me from immediately acting when I was marginalized or strung along with the rug pulled out from under me and un-promised more towards the dark side of untruth I have been reckless in trust. I believe in love. This is Insanity!

I can see that these are difficult times for every strata of society.  People are struggling. I know really smart people who are unable to deal with the Life Cards they currently have in their hands. The sadness in my heart because of the incredibly intertwined lives lost. I am feeling vulnerable to the emotions of the people I speek with.

I have the real purpose to let my demons out … I am learning to feel sad and to connect with the tears. It is real luck to have professional medical doctors tell you not to judge the fact that I am crying at many unexpected times. Sheer timing is rapture unbalanced, everything else is a nightmare. You have to ask: What is my emotional range? How much of the bad parts of every relationship and every situation. I guess I have to make a list of the non negotiable, the things I must never deny.

It is quite annoying not to shout about all the pain I see in the eyes as mirrors of their souls. The only way to deal with all this pain is to share the stories with one another. Last night a woman who live hundreds of miles away sent me a message to call her and talk. I allowed myself to accept her hand and today I actually feel the difference that conversation made. Today I stopped at a tiny drive through burger stall and watched the pain in the mother and daughter having at the table across the aisle. They said something to me and we chatted which gave me the opportunity to look truly and deeply in their eyes. It is the most meaningful we as beings with opposing thumbs can do with one another. Look deeply in another persons eyes is an act of tender courage. They allowed me to see into the struggles and search. I was able to focus Love toward their being with a smile in the mixing of our true sight into one another.

I have had a smile on in the face of diversity for many years. I am fortunate to not be burdened by not having what I do not have. It is time to usher in the bandages to clean my wounds to permit the reversal. Now, It Is About Time For Reaching Out To One Another. How easy to simply allow love to flow from and between one another.

Just for today I am going to take one minute to breath. Just for today I am going to practice relaxing both nerves and muscles. Just for today I am going to wish well to the people who have hurt me deeply. Just for today I am not going to judge myself for feeling weary and sad so I can allow my tears to flow freely. Just for today I am going to believe that this will not last for longer than I need to heal. I am going to allow the unseen holy serenity to surround me and invade every cell of my being. I wish with such intensity that the air of all that is refined and good to lift the hearts of the many who have lost someone they love.

The real essence of life is caring about one another. This is the Truth that happens.


Suicide: Earth Moved Under My Skin

Trust Issues: What does it mean to the inner being when they are put down, physically, mentally, and emotionally time after time? I want to hear how you are from you and not through the Grape Vine…

I am about to loose my Mind!

We are lovely intelligent people, both men and woman who are around the globe living singly scattered in the Diaspora. Once upon a time, ages ago, we coalesced, as molecules we congregated toward one another, where we could support each another. There was no grinding loneliness acid eating your entire world from the viscera inside. We worked together in such close proximity that the quality of each persons energy from the core to the skin was discernible.  We could know each other. Not a situation where ou can Say, I had no idea he was Depressed!  All energy both good and bad, comes and goes, yet unless people are known as they are in the here and now, people fall apart, reason sleeps as the scroll of sensation unwinds. Love One Another Is The Letter Of The Law. I can’t say this enough.

High achieving people unwind down and are lower functioning though the community does not recognize this bump in the road. No one asks, ‘How are you’? There is no touch of caring follow through. Who can I trust to hold my tender crumbs as my solid self crumbles under unexpressed emotions.

Passive aggressive lack of help as needed because of self involved selfishness  and personal outrage at little and big matters, cloud caring. Which one of us will take the responsibility to care about one other person and the pervasive falling apart of our social order? People get farther and farther apart emotionally,  intellectually, and physically as we imagine we are tourists in our own lives.

Sure, the Net holds our attention, but we each need someone to really know how we actually feel. Constant focus on the Internet allows no strong commitment, there is no skin in the game.

There IS A Person Behind Every Screen

Every Cell In My World Misses YOU

Every touch and every thought we  have sends out a wave of sound.  The waves blend into patterns which weave our world and build the beat, our pulsing rhythm. Being interested in knowing *What* is happening to you and what is going on inside you as you are sitting next to me as we look into the diode is Very Important.

Comorbidty, the pervasive illness of individuals and society is abrasion. I must want to apply the correct potus, the best special mission in making this unbalance right. It is a Marine style operation to save lives. Listed in the military acronym as a *DIET*,  Deep Infiltration and Extraction Team, to “leap frog” across great distances and apply the best effort to help a fellow traveler to pull them out of harms way and to heal.

I want to call up your inner special forces as courage.  

I want you to ask everyone in your circles How They Are Feeling, and what is going on in their lives and what emotions this stuff is generating.

Jargon in service to the platoon to work together with everyone having some ones back falls under the funny nomenclature: FARP.  Did you know it was developed in 1979 at HMX-1 as a means of immediate safety of people.  Often the identy of the helpers remains classified and unknown. It is time we step out from under cover and speak with the truth hidden in each one of our hearts.

This Day, when so many people feel like here is a holiday commemorating how single and alone they are, is the right time to pick up the phone and call. Make the world shaking connection: Hello, How Are You? I am thinking of you and wanted to call and connect.

Our Globe Is Shaking. The negativity we generate because of depression goes into the core of our planet. No energy is lost. It settles and reacts as the pressures build up.

Quaking Explossions



It Takes Time to make things happen fast.

Posted in Uncategorized by rewiringangel on December 14, 2010
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It takes time to make things happen fast.  That is right.  Today, I finally after years, went to get an editing program for all my years of scribbles.

My writing has taken a back seat in importance since my sudden cancer discovery, surgery, and treatment.

Getting over the effects of a trauma takes time. This is my shot at figuring out where and what to change. For me and my life real change is very hard.

I keep getting phone calls from people with heavy stories. I need to change the condition of my circles. I must change the remuneration given for support received. I think change of magnetism from my heart out into the world.  Cooperate with one another since I do not want to be with people who do not really like me all that much.  I have a crisis of being alone to do all and everything while the doctors tell me for months that I must get into bed and stay there.

I need a supportive system. I want someone who loves my up side, who is willing to work as a help mate with the down side. I am thinking about the people I have allowed to be in my inner circle who have never looked close enough to see me in the mix. Oh, I did not know you do not feel well…

I have allowed people to be my friends who do not listen to what I am saying. They are only seeing themselves when they look out in the world.  I Have been really weary.  I ask people who I know well enough to have a personal conversation to please not to share their troubles with me now. I just do not have the energy to take properly care of myself. I need to stop the suffering.

I hope I find something special for the holidays! grin….

I am just not over this yet. The Dr. today said this may go on until April.