Refuting

Refuting

anger

with

patience

Refuting fear with faith, In the knowledge that you are human with dignity. The inner fire of human dignity, will find a way.
I Don’t know what to do I’m sitting in my car in a sketchy side of Oakland the 5th and Martin Luther King boulevard underneath the BART railroad tracks.
I need to be saved! HELP

Trauma

Something is tearing at my tender heart, it is a condition of life. I am reading a new book, Trauma, by the noted author Mark Epstein.

 

I warn you all that the font used is very small so you have to hold the book differently and really concentrate on reading. This book is helping me see as I struggle to move forward. I went to his book tour a few days ago. It was a real insight from a psychological view. His talk was very practical.  Mark spoke from his experiences of eating mindfully as a simple act of not putting more food into your mouth until you have completely finished chewing and swallowing the first bite. My taste buds are singing as they send the good impulses to my brain which then tells my mind/body that good food is fuel for delight.

 

Then there is the physical brain, amygdala, over active that is the touchy function of our body mind system. This is the sentnal communicator of stress. One step at a time to turn your attention to the impulses is to turn toward Kindness; Be Kind to yourself.

Ask yourself, what does being kind to myself look like at this intersection. Find what will let you feel you are being Kind To Yourself and Do That Action. Being Kind to yourself is a source of awakening. Kindness is a light on this place you and I are going through, today in the here and now

Our understanding that living with and through a Trauma is NOT Fun. This is a source of connection that allows us, you and I, to care about each other and send our caring support out to all our friends and family.

Last night I painted my toenails. I have not done this in months. I just want to tip toe today with a small caring sparkle.

Emotions are as real as a table, sometimes hard and heavy, “without the hurt the heart is hollow”.

Tough Day

I have made a lot of mistakes in my years on this planet. I come from a first generation American dysfunctional family and married into a Mayflower dysfunctional family. The most painful part is that no matter how hard I tried to break the chain, I did not succeed. Today was a tough day. I can feel my heart breaking. The reality is that all my worries are pointless: If there’s a solution, I have no need to worry. If no solution exists, what’s the point in worrying? Yet because this is family, I feel laden?

My Unhappy story starts back several generations, all of whom are dead.  I am a human being and flawed. I never recognized that I was not using my time with my family wisely. I do not have all the juicy stories. I only have the stories that happened when I was present.

There is a thread from my Grandfather about the Bolsheviks and the Mensheviks.  All sides of my family were liberal and believed that the revolution by the Mugziks, the peasants, to upturn their slave status, was a good thing. The Mensheviks did not win

My parents fled the Bolsheviks and the Russian Revolution. The Revolutionaries came to my Grandfathers house and put a gun to his head. “You have three hours to get as far away from here or I am going to line you up and shoot you all. We want your house and land.” My mother was the oldest of eleven children. My Grandmother, my mother’s mother had the courage to take a few valuables and started walking through Russia, from whatever small town between St Petersburg and Kiev to the closest river. I guess it took a few years until the three surviving children arrived at Ellis Island. My Fathers family came via Vienna because of their mercantile history in the Kosher Foods Business and arrived in New York City in the same year.

The two were so glad to be alive. Their gratitude to America was deep and strong. My father joined the armed forces and they gave him a test and he got a perfect score. You can imagine that was magic for both my father and the country that both saved his life and gave him the possibility for a long and grand future. He became all clearance Intelligence with an office deep underground in a concrete fortress. He is not here to tell me exactly what exact part of what state but he did take me to his office. I have clear visual memory along the concrete halls. His desk was a government issue metal hunk painted a dark green with a rounded corner surface.

He flew the undercover government line just like a Hawk. He was a tough smart man. He was asked to work with the Navaho Nation to set up the Code Whispers.

I remember biting into my first big ripe red tomato on that reservation. The Army guy had a big beige cowboy hat, the tall kind with a widish turned brim bend down and handed it to me, then stood up and smiled. No words passed from him to me. Just his reaching toward me with a lovely Beefsteak. Were did that Jersey tomato come from? Were we in front of a gas station food store in the vast Arizona desert? I turned around in a 360 degree circle taking in the vast reddish dusty earth. My parents green panel truck stood out in the distance. We got back into the truck and drove off down the roadless expanse to the Chiefs small brick house complete with a pointed black tack tar roof. It was built right on the earth. I remember my looking down in surprise since this was the first house I had been in that did not have flooring.

My parents got along beautifully with the Chief and his wife.  My mother gave me the ring which the Chief had given to my father. I have worn it when I was traveling on to Navaho territory 10 years ago when I was crossing the country.  My father worked with the Chief in choosing the members of the tribe who would serve with the Marines and other military forces. Tonight I saw the movie about the service of the Navaho Nation in 1943 Saipan. The part my father played does not appear since he was completely invisible!

Naive Peace

Naive

It looks like I mistook Beef Stew for Prime Rib, yet again.  Am I the only woman that has this loop action and reaction to social life with people? I am struggling to see the boundaries between the Layers of thought.

What is the Undercurrent of ‘a thought’?

Who is this person who is trying to find a mind body space to slip into for clarity of consciousness? How can I turn on the inner light, direct my mind, and find in that space an insight or knowledge of Peace?  I want to know the meaning of peace as an integral part of all life. When will I start recognizing a pattern?  What is the texture and size of the meat in the beef stew? My teeth now the difference as they sink into a bite of rare prime rib.

How do I manage to starve the desire that allows me to settle for the Beef Stew rather than wait until I recognize the nice juicy steak?  Action is what is needed to starve the ‘seed’ thought at the root. I feel like I am on fire!  I must Stop, Drop, and Roll to change the programming information to my amygdalae. It is this emotional learning, with an aspect of fear conditioning, that resonates, causing stimulation of adverse memories that predict the long term signaling of this little almond shaped part of our human brain.

In Terms Of Value, This Almond Is Exceptional

The present moment, the scene that is going on right now, is what must be realized, with an emphasis “on being here now”.

I am reaching toward the Gnostic rather than the dense personal identifier. So how realized can we be?

This moment could snap a complete realization in both the direction of particles and the music of Nature.  I am listening to the Music of the Spheres.

Be Here Now. Here is another practical aspect of Mindfulness or attention to the Gap moment between the seed or root of thought and the brain. The value is being able to  register that particular thought.

Like all of the steps you make when purchasing an airplane ticket.

Think about what you really want. Imagine that week after week as this dance with one another.

The Many and The Totality

What comes to mind when you relax and wonder what our culture has become? We are Many people who have lost the sense of our Totality.

Four days ago I went to the Doctor. He was busy. I want to believe that he was listening to my needs but when I came to get the referrals to the various specialists the referral director told me that I could not get my needed referrals because the Doctor wrote the request on the wrong form. I was struck silent. What business was it to me? It was so unprofessional. I was made to feel that I Had Done Something Wrong! The woman was nasty to me at the Medical Professional Office!

I came back the next day and was told, rather than asked, ‘Why do you need the referral, are You going to make the appointment yourself!?’ She was visibly surprised when I said of course I would and could make my own appointment.  When I contacted the service I needed the referred paper work, I was told that the paperwork was not complete.

I called the medical office to get a correction and was told that the doctor would not change the referral to include all the conditions I was asking for attention, but that the Doctor would send out all the notes of my examination. This sending out of my diagnose was going to be sent only after I said that the professional office called me to get the referral changed.

I had to have three days of heightened attention to get service from this doctors office.

My prescriptions needed to have a back and forth returned phone call to be filled, yet the doctors office did not do this for several days. I had to make repeated visits back and forth to the doctor and back to the pharmacy for three days before I actually got my medicine. Finally I called the doctors office from the pharmacy and the medical nurse sounded angry and put me on hold. I was put on hold for such a long time that my mobile phone lost energy and shut off.

This just drained my energy and turned my happy out look about medical attention into sadness. This is such a drain of energy to get help for myself and so many people. I have so little energy since my illness and this energy was wasted by the support staff of this primary care doctor. I can’t be the only one who is actually being mistreated in this practice, in my town, in my county, in my state, and out through the entire country, out to every nation on our globe.

There are many people who have to rely on a Primary Care Doctor to get treatment for conditions that all Primary Doctor are not trained to preform. We are a target in a shooting practice that yet again separates those with cash from those who depend on various levels of Health Insurance.

Monsanto now has immunity against being responsible for the health issues that the genetically modified seeds are causing. The victim is becoming the enemy.

My illness is caused by inflammation disease that cascades to include the serious illnesses of our modern era. Heart disease, Cancer, Diabetes, Colitis, Arthritis, and other illnesses are related to the digestive unbalance from unnatural DNA in the food sources. Stress creates more illness. My Stress participated in my illness. I cannot get well if I am continuously under stress from unprofessional emotional interactions with care professionals! Sigh…

The crises in the primary care system is very deeply intrenched. Primary Care Doctors continue to make health care a heavy lifting effort in many cases. Doctors themselves are allowing this to go on and on. The medical system has lost sight of the Totality of Humanity. The system is broken and people are dieing. Doctors are either overworked or under trained. I do not know how I am going to deal with this. I am one link in the totality of Humanity. This gives me strength to tell my sad story of the last four days. I was called by the practice manager /director who apologized to me because of the terribly sub standard service and care I received. I never shouted at any of the unprofessional employees. I used so much strength just to get my prescriptions and referrals that one of the office managers asked the Director to call me! Is this what I have to jump through to get medical attention? If you are having a hard time with your health care would you please send me a posting in the high hopes that we can reach critical mass and change the system.

Love is the glue which holds the Many in a vibrant Totality

It’s Alarming How Loud The Silence Screams With No Warning

Color Me Surprised!

We have been misguided, we have been deceived, those of us who have retained a connection with the political oligarchy parading around as ‘democracy’ !  Iraq a Nine Trillion dollar drain on the global economy. If you think this does not effect you look at that pot hole in every street while carrying your bag of grossly expensive groceries while being unable to pay off your college debt.

The Republicans Have Lost Their Minds and the Tea Bags are More Destructive! Who elected these wing nuts? I feel like our leaders have been cut out of MAD Magazine!Ryan was defeated in the general election. Let’s shout in his big Alfred E. Neuman Ears that His Policies are not wanted!

This MAD mascot, Alfred E. Neuman like Paul Ryan has developed budget plans that propose privatizing Medicare for those currently under the age of 55,funding Medicaid and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program through block grants to the states,and other changes. Ryan introduced these proposals in his spending plan for the House Budget Committee in April 2011 and in an updated version in March 2012 and again this week. He wants things to change for the WORST for All Americans!

How to sweep the bums out if voting serves no purpose?

Oh My God ! Let’s rise against the push to turn back Progress.

I am now living in heart ache that the global population will be cut by more than 10% in the next 10 years because of Republican anti human being as well as anti middle class practices. My Human Family is becoming a Lost Cause!

Monsanto has placed a rider on some generally desired legislation to be able to engineer foods with no responsibility for the effects on the human systems. Monsanto Is A Monster that Obama has allowed to Thrive while he and his family eat organic food.

The Fracking shoots water under the water table and is poisoning our global water supply so that the privatization of water policy that has been in place since 1974 will charge you for water! Opponents point to potential environmental impacts, including contamination of ground water, risks to air quality, the migration of gases and hydraulic fracturing chemicals to the surface, surface contamination from spills and flowback and the health effects of these.

How did we The People allow this to happen? We stopped being in touch what we think and feel and live out of a inner death.  I hope to help all people stay with themselves as a living Human Being to care about loving themselves sufficiently that they are able to really know self care. The truth is undeniable, unless you figure this out you and the entire global families will be contaminated.

What is the Japanese government telling the people who lived around the nuclear  explosion in March 2011?  On yesterday’s news The government said that the land is being cleaned up! In two years it will be ready for planting rice again. Imagine that! Russia was more honest when they told the people that the area will never be inhabitable again. Imagine with me for a moment that Russia is more honest than Japan!

The Chernobyl disaster is widely considered to have been the worst nuclear power plant accident in history, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011).  The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles. The official Soviet reports long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for.

I have turned to help people connect with their own subtlety so they can be more productive and at inner peace and thus have more chutzpah.I create a center of quiet for people under stress to fill with their stories. It is important to have a chance to listen to yourself by sharing what you are thinking and feeling.

I work to serve to reteach people how to breathe, which has bigger implications on our daily lives than we imagine. Through short workshops targeted to the individual or group I enable people’s inner core and strength by encourage single-pointed focus.

Do not continue to cover up what you are really feeling. Get involved in returning our country and our family of nations leaders back to serving US!  Obama IS a great failure!

Happy Now? There Is More To Living Than Being Alive: (Coding)

Alexithymia…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHG-9ohsv4Y

Time To Upgrade Your Emotional Operating System And Find Out That There Is More To Living Than The Digital On/Off Codes

Welcome

Find a comfortable position in your seat

and take a slow deep breath.

Look around you and see where you are in the room.

Look on either side of your seat. Say hello to your neighbors on both sides and in front and behind you.

Take a moment to realize that you are safe here.   You are with a trustworthy and knowledgeable person leading this group.

You have chosen to come here because you are interested in Upgrading Your Emotional Operating System with all the implications of this process.

Now let’s start:  Start with a few easy breaths Out and In.  Just listen to the air going in, then a moment of stasis, circulating with grace, then out in an easy release. Allow yourself to feel relaxation as the is air going out.  In with all the energy you need and out to relax. You can close your mouth and just breathe in and out through your nose. (Take a moment to clear your nasal passages if you need to).

As you breathe in feel the energy coming in from the surrounding air as the ‘Oxygen’, that active ingredient in air, brings you energy you need to function . As you breathe out send that oxygen to the places in your body that are in tension. Relax with your out breath, a little bit more with each breath. You are a living being which by your own power of thought, you send the air to go to the places where you are tight. Change the habit of holding tension in your diaphragm.

Find an easy natural rhythm. Find YOUR Natural relaxed Rhythm.  Each one of us here has our own individual drum beat, One Two, or One Two and Three, Or perhaps One Two Three Four.  Find the song in your heart, your rhythm and let out a slow sigh.

Now Breath in and find that you, yourself, are comfortable in your seat. Say Welcome Home and breath out and let yourself relax. Let us take a minute to Just Take in air and let it out and with the out release out a little more tension.

The action of ‘breathing out’ works to remove  the dark particles that are stuck on your insides. Breath out the not needed stuff. There is a science fact about this, but we can put that investigation on hold for the time being, and use this time to breathe in and out.

The next breath you take IN, feel the sense of lightness moving across your forehead and down your arms and legs.  As you breath OUT allow the action of your breath to move down your body and remove the tension in your limbs.

As you breath in and out, doing this easily, you are allowing the crashing of the air molecules within your body to break apart and to circulate the free electron ion into being, bringing you energy.

The next breath you direct your breath-thought to feeling your body on the seat. You are strong and safe and in-touch with your body getting the oxygen it needs to have energy and health in both body and mind.

Feel the Oxygen go to your eyes. Close your eyes and feel all the tension from the usual visual pointed focusing action slip away. As you breath in, allow the curtain of your eyelids to droop down.  Let your eye muscles stop the sizzling seeing pulse. Close your eyes. What do you see on the screen? Take a minute and look at what is projected on the screen of your closed eyelids.

Blink a few times. Now let’s do the clock with our eyeballs. First look as far UP as possible without moving your chin then look as far DOWN, then to Three O’clock and over to Nine O’clock. Then repeat Top, Bottom, Left, Right.  Now start at 12 O’clock and go around, now stopping at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and return to 12.  If you want repeat. Now go in reverse from 12 to 11 and so forth back to 12.

Check your breathing. Relax and find your rhythm return.  Close your eyes and feel your body comfortable in your seat.

What season is it today? When you close your eyes what color do you see?  What are the smells of this season? What do you smell now.

Close your eyes again and imagine you are in paradise. Where is your personal paradise? Is it out in nature or in a styling designer living room?

One way to understand what part tension has played in our everyday living is to see that our ability to speak from our inner self has been silenced. From the seat of our emotions we have lost the search engine to the dictionary that would be able to have a conversation, one to one, with ourselves. This is a tragic loss, this loss of diction! So many people are without words for our emotions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHG-9ohsv4Y

Everyone in this room has experienced “dehumanizing” in one way or another. Both from software or hardware that seems to diminish our ability to know how we feel about our place in the computer world. How can we communicate with others and function effectively in this on off fast paced world. More often than we would like to admit many have an actual deficiency in understanding, processing, and /or describing our emotions.

How do I feel?  Technology seems often to create new boundaries between people. Our industry was supposed to make communication easier and erase old boundaries

Consider this time we share here as a time to tune our individual inner harp at the intersection of Light and Sound. This is a symbol of the representation of the First Singularity as a Circle: Breathing In and Out.

Serve America: VOTE 2012

Do YOU want to bring back Bolton and the Neo Con Horde?

The End of truth as we have known it Fox News Commentator, John Bolton, would be one of the team. Remember the Group who brought general destruction of our International Stature, (as an exemplary nation), our Privacy, with The Patriot Act leashing out unjust behavior toward all Individuals, and financial debacle world wide for all but the top .001%

John Bolton is a neoconservative!  often equating diplomacy with weakness and indecisiveness. The Neoconservatives want War. That is where they make their money.

There is a conflict between the very rich and the very, very rich with those stratospheric billionaires who are purchasing Governments.

I remembering being a member of a Political Theater Group who dressed up and went to stump speeches called the Billionaires For Bush. Where did I put my extra stickers?

Billionaires for Bush is a culture jamming political street theater organization that satirically purports to support George W. Bush for those activities which are perceived to benefit corporations and the super-wealthy. A secret New York City Police Department intelligence report based on undercover surveillance of the group in 2003 and 2004 in advance of the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York City, described the Billionaires as “an activist group forged as a mockery of the current president and political policies.

They wore conservative jackets and ties (but no bowler hats, etc.) and carried innocuous signs such as “Run, Steve, Run.” Happy to have grass-roots support, the Forbes handlers (who believed the Billionaires were students from a nearby business school) placed them in front of the cameras, very near to the podium from which Forbes was speaking. However, each of their signs had another sign behind it. And behind their banner (which read “Forbes 2000: He wants YOU to win”) was another banner, waiting. At the most dramatic moment of his announcement, the Billionaires flipped their signs, and pulled away the large banner to reveal one which read: “Billionaires for Forbes: Because Inequality isn’t Growing Fast Enough.” The Billionaires started chanting “Let workers pay the tax so investors can relax!” and other slogans. Forbes and his handlers were completely thrown off, a little tussle ensued, and the Billionaires were pushed off to the side away from the cameras. Not wanting to miss the action, half the TV crews left the Forbes speech to cover the Billionaires. The action got lots of coverage.

John Bolton was pushed into the United Nations Position by the Right Wing. Bolton resigned before the end of his term because he was unlikely to win confirmation from the balanced Senate.

The Romney supporters want to remove The United States from it’s prominent place within the family of global community in The United Nations. Beware Citizens!

Yesterday, I heard a conversation wafting above the high fence around the University skateboard park. I live 25 yards from the sound of the rolling wheels and happy masculine conversation. It is a special atmosphere where skateboarders’ can escape being watched and recharge. It was not usual to hear political conversation. It happened on that day that one young man said to the dozen or so assembled: If you do not Vote, it is a Vote for Romney. Take Care you know what you are doing. He insisted that his friends Get out and VOTE. Go to your local City Hall and vote early. This way you can be assured that Your Vote Will Be Counted.

Disquisitive Digestion

Ask me a question about the meaning of life and I can answer based on my personal experience, with all the insight of years of training. I saw the writing on the wall.

The weariness with life, my unloved existence, and low self esteem, which started  to push me out of the comfort of my night time bed in my ninth year. In the outside world there was daylight and I walked through the darkness striding toward the dawn. Year after year, since that primary night, I have been restless and deeply irritated about the pain of existence, the harsh difficulties of living in a body,. ‘This is life’, I say to myself, this is what it is. Life,  which forever shifts with frightening swiftness has no regard for my  personal dreams or desires.  Do I have a dream, a desire or a plan? Stuff happens to me in a web of layer cake proportions with thin sections of sweet icing holding the granular stable mix.

Chocolate layer cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate shavings

I was alone to love myself, to see and nurture the spark of life and secure my light in the world,  a small flame from my heart outward.  I, as Athena, at war with my circle of family, unwanted from my birth by both my Mother and Father,  with no friends who took up the existential yet holy grail wore armor.  The hard plates over my heart, body, and mind to this day, are a persona to shelter my tender introverted truth.

Athena, Born fully grown and ready for the rigor of battle

I first took that first long walk from Sixth and Mifflen Streets in South Philadelphia.  On that walk to nowhere, I slipped out of my Grandmothers home several hours after midnight and walked toward the Delaware River.  The city was curtained in an indigo darkness unknown today. The stars sparkled, dazzled and comforted my child’s mind . Stars, held together with stories of constellations, myths about an epic past that shined on my every step  I just walked between the moral axis of the real life and the one I constructed to cover the pointless pain of my prisoner-ship of childhood.

Athena in NYC at the Occupy Wall Street protest, November 2011

How wonderful to imagine it was last weekend!  My story actually starts a lifetime ago, when rock and roll, the military–industrial–congressional complex, and Ilsa were all in their infancy. Perhaps you will be interested in one or more of my weeks. Both backwards to the birth, my birth, in a welcome to the world with all the material to be reformed and purified, and forward into the unraveling of my life. The request to spin the story is in service to survival. How did I survive?

I look at Life from two sides now that I want to live again.  The story starts with all the darkness intact. I have been so weary mentally though I have posted about stones. The personal point has not surfaced. I need something, though I do not know what it is that will release the tension on that tight plug which keeps my life stories pent up and not penned out.

Creative People

Creative People have an expansive way of seeing which shoes us all a broader way of seeing ordinary things. Creative People can also be defined as the process of seeing, hearing, making, and using their mind and consciousness in producing something that is both original and worthwhile.

Today I had two wonderful experiences in the flow of life. I was electrified when a young, developmentally delayed, boy spoke to me. He stopped in the entrance of the building and looked down the long perpendicular hall going to apartments and said, ‘ It looks like a tunnel’. It is true it does have a long variously lite quality which to an artists eye would be beautiful. It is a enclosed space with an air of grace. The young creative mind of this intellectually blocked brain sees beauty as he moves through life.

August 14, 2012 (1 photo)

My Hallway

A fresh creative eye sees something special in a traditional hall and his speaking brought delight to me. I feel less intelligent people are often not respected for the heightened awareness they bring into every conversation. I imagine that his Mother must have a heart breaking ordeal with every day aspects of life in a society that has not allowed this Mother to have the time to delight in her sons differences.

Creativity refers to the invention or origination of any new thing (a product, solution, artwork, literary work, joke, etc.) that has value. “New” may refer to the individual creator or the society or domain within which novelty occurs. “Valuable”, similarly, may be defined in a variety of ways. Are we surrounded by clouds and mists which prevent us from enjoying our lives in every day actions?

Today Is the special occasion that Korea was Liberated from the 35 year Japanese Colonial Occupation. The people of Korea were conscripted into labor in order to support life often in roofless corrugated structures with no running water. Confined space with limited access to basic needs. The Korans had to buy back their land from the Japanese Occupiers. Least we ever forget. Our Hearts are restless though we live in a new day as we search for what we Love.